You think a big sister would be happy for her baby brother for getting a puppy with his roommates. Not this sister. Envy overshadows all other emotions. Sure I was happy when I first heard, then envy kicked in mixed with sadness and finally depression. Why can't I just be happy for people who accomplish something or gain responsibility? I envy my friend who passed the GRE–a test before entering grad school. What do I have to say I accomplished? A story people think has too much dialog? A year in Vocational school,yet I have no job and still don't drive? I have nothing. Man what I would give to curl in a ball and die. No one would remember me…no one would miss me. Even at the college's Christian group, I feel like an outcast. I didn't know my friend passed the GRE until I read it on a social media site. I would give anything to go back to the Vocational school. I was accepted there. I felt I had a place and was appreciated. Not in the big world of college…not in the big world period. My cousin–who is 2 months younger than me–has graduated college, lives on his own, has a job and has accomplished so much. My oldest cousin is talented in music, actually both of my older cousins are. My young cousins are accomplished either in JROTC or as a camp counselor. My second cousins…man they all have something to be proud of whether it's a baby, over coming an illness, or succeeding in college.
I feel like the dam black sheep!!! I hate it!! My young cousin who overcame self-harm even has been able to move past it. She is 6 years younger than me. I still struggle with the dark cloud and the dark thoughts.
I guess I should go to bed before I do something stupid…oh wait, I've already done that: envying a dog. WTF is wrong with me??