Been a little sad lately. Melancholy. Sometimes that feels worse than when I am intensely depressed. Please ignore any typos. I’m doing this on my phone.
I’m sure I am just feeling burned out. Nothing feels the same. I feel like I have no roots now that my parents are moving to a new house and they just keep telling me how I just need to grow up and create my own family.
I am frustrated because I am supposed to just accept the crappy things that happen in my life and move forward as if nothing has changed. It makes me really upset.
I have been through so much. And I feel so alone. Being trans doesn’t help. I don’t know how to meet people – I’m afraid to try because my family is transphobic and homophobic, and I am not strong enough to stand against them. But more than likely the person I will end up will also not be cisgender or heterosexual. I also kind of hate myself for being so weird. Sometimes I just wish I were normal like everyone else so that things wouldn’t be so scary and so hard.
Even if I had someone, I’m not sure I would be happy. I am bored with my life. Incredibly bored. And it has come to the point where I feel so guilty spending time doing things that would normally make me happy. So I don’t know that there’s anything that could fix things. Except maybe having someone pay all of my bills and supporting me in my pursuit of that which interests me lol.
I also feel like I need some time to learn how to be comfortable. I’m always bothered by some sensory thing. So that definitely doesn’t help. I need to find someone who can help me process things without being wildly overwhelmed. With my late diagnosis, I feel like I have no idea how to interpret what I am feeling and I have no guidance. So all I know is that I’m miserable and, for all I know, I will never be comfortable.
Right now I am feeling uncomfy from the scarring of my lungs, how loud the tv is, how itchy my pajamas feel on my legs, how I’m both cold and hot at the same time, how heavy my weight feels on my bones…it’s just like my brain is getting all this information at once and out of order. Which is unsettling :(.