So it’s been just under a year since I was in the hospital last….. Since then things have gotten worse, as many of you have pointed out based on my recent blog posts. Yes, I must concur, my symptoms have been progressing and daily life has been getting more and more difficult. I’m fighting as hard as I can to stay “normal” and I feel as though I’m quickly losing that fight. My normal family is slipping through my fingers, my normal job is becoming increasingly more and more difficult to function in. Is it time to go to the hospital again? Maybe…. Did it help the last time? Yes. But last time my 8 day stay was followed up with 3 months of outpatient work. I don’t have that luxury right now, I’ve only been in this job for 3 months; I can’t be out that long. The other side of it, of course, is I could lose this job because I’m barely producing right now.
Timing couldn’t be worse for me not to be home; my son needs me as he is going through his own struggle with mental illness and my daughter decided she wants to go live with mom…… The family needs a strong role model at home. Someone to look to who can lead the family; someone whom I am not right now. They need someone who will take control and see the family through the difficult times, not someone who will chase his Ativan with Cuervo. How do I –get- strong for my family? How do I gain the willingness to fight when I feel like emotionally I’ve been hit with freight train. I want to want to be better; I just don’t seem to have it in me.

Maybe I should go to the hospital. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

2 Comments
  1. PBooth 10 years ago

    i don't know what kind of ocd you have but i have it too, i have harm ocd where i fear i'll harm someone. fortunately clonazepam helps me but i'd rather not take it. there are web sites on ocd, educating yourself helps but the illness is still there. facing your fears and realizing it takes time are important take care

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  2. Catoptromancy 10 years ago

    Hey there, Billy-Boy.

     

    This is hard, huh? When you're alone you can afford to be selfish and take all the time you need for you. Like you said, though…you don't have the luxury of outpatient work (which you said didn't help much anyway). You don't have the luxury to -fold-. I hate saying that to you, because you know I love you and you know I want what's best for you -and- the kids. The hospital is a good idea in the future, but the next few weeks…I dunno…it sounds like you're needed at home. Your son is drowning…and remember what he said when he was being evaluated? You go to the hospital -now- and you're confirming for him that Dad is unhappy all the time and hospitalized…everything he doesn't want to be. Your daughter? I don't think she realizes what this is going to do to her. In the short-term…sure, it sounds like a great idea. Spoiling, being on her own, maybe even re-inventing herself at school. Then there's the reality–new school, new friends, brothers and sister are far away, Dad is far away, and the parent you're living with isn't providing guidance…is just as much a kid as you are. I don't think it's going to last. Psychologically, -moving- is right up there as one of the biggest stresses out there. She's probably coming back and she's going to need you available.

     

    I feel awful saying this, because I know you're scared. I know you need help. I think you need to increase therapy–see someone every day after work if you have to. Vent–here or in a journal or on Skype. Empty every bottle of alcohol you have in the house down the drain, because we've -talked- about that. It's a depressant. It isn't helping. And then, babe…be what you ARE. You're a Dad first…a person with a mental illness second. You chose to have those kids…and you owe them the world…and sometimes that comes at the expense of yourself. I know how that sounds, because believe me, I want you better. I don't like how you're feeling right now. Whether you know it or not, you ARE capable of pulling yourself up out of this. It's exhausting, it doesn't always feel like swimming in a pond full of rose petals, and it's sure easy to tell someone all this when you're doing well and they're not…except…I don't know what else to do for you. You said you don't seem to have it in you to get better. I think you're wrong. And I think even if you don't have it in you…you've got four little faces that say, "Even if you don't have it in you, you better take a look at us and find a way". I don't know the right answer to give you, babe. You have to do what feels right…and you know I'll support that. Keep my plaque in mind, though. "Whether you think you can or think you can't…you are right." I love you and I'm here for you.

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