I was supposed to continue writing today but I got distracted. It might not be the best time to quit coffee, but I thought it might help me with my anxiety and I did slept well for the past two nights.

I stumbled on an article about the author who wrote ‘Happy’ just now. The book was perhaps his therapy after ending a really long relationship, he must have been quite depressed in the beginning, anybody would I suppose. It was eloquently written but I can’t quite finish the book; its heavily philosophical and English isn’t my first language. He was discussing about his life in the article and how he sometimes look back and feels some kind of self-loathing, which is only a trick of perspective, to live in the present and the present is absolutely fine until it has passed. But you have to tell yourself the right things, the right story. It helps if happiness is defined as the absence of disturbance, not just a mental state. Perhaps this idea is not new, but its definitely written differently and I am quite happy with this idea now.

Each day I tell myself that I am a failure for failing my exam and I would never have a respected job because of it, at least once a day. Each day I thought about burning my thesis when I’m done, just because. Each day I would have pretend conversations with just anyone, and convince myself that they’d pity me, do the head-tilted thing and try to change me. I’m angry each time I have these thoughts. Its desctructive I know. And I know its time to change the story I tell myself.

I’m not any near correcting my thesis, but I have started. Everytime I write, I’m reminded by a random failure. Its like a lottery bowl of failures; all I have to do is pick one and it felt as if it happened just yesterday. But I will finish it someday, and when I’m done, I’d like to put aside my years of torture, all my failures, take a vacation from my lottery bowl. I suppose you can’t simply retire your lottery bowl, you can just distract yourself with other things. Happy things. I’ll get my scroll and get a respectable job and a respectable wage. I’d like to be involved with charities again and do a lot of bake sale, and I’m a not bad baker. Well, Nigella is an excellent one and I use just her recipes. Wild camping again. These are the stories I’m going to tell myself every morning from now on.

That’s enough ranting for now, hang in there friends *hugs*

4 Comments
  1. garfunkal 2 months ago

    Hey mate, I think we all would like to change the story or script we tell ourselves. Especially if you’ve come from an abusive background , suffer some sort of mental illness or just can’t cope like we think every “normal” person does. I found that trying to be your own best friend is a real skill. No one is going to treat us better than ourselves. right? so don’t give up, tell yourself good positive stuff. change the tapes. I know you are trying and thats awesome. I liked reading your blog, sorry to say tho, not alot of people on here talk, I have no clue why, but they join up and don’t say anything. feel free to drop me a line anytime if you want to chat, not sure how useful I can be, but it’s always nice to have a friend to chat to xx

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      shotrbread 2 months ago

      Hey, thanks. You said it well. Trying to be your own best friend sounds so right. Sometimes you just know what to say to people who confided in you but the script sorta changes when its you who’s in that dark place. Its awful hard work trying to change the tapes, its a bit silly too when I think about it, why is it harder to be kinder to myself? But no, I won’t give up, its not a nice place where I am at the moment.
      Sometimes I feel more confident writing knowing that my blog won’t be read and scrutinized, I just know writing is therapy for me. I guess I feel a bit self-conscious sharing my feelings and thoughts, but your kind words are very comforting on rainy days, cheers 🙂

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  2. teee 2 months ago

    That was deep, something about your words moved me.

    I think sometimes we’re too harsh on ourselves, we must learn to see ourselves more preciously and we must learn to treat ourselves more generously.

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      shotrbread 2 months ago

      Hi, you’re completely right. It is a steep learning curve for me though, I am so used to beating myself up so hard and when everything crash, its even harder to just pick myself up, you know. I guess it helps if we try to be our own best friend for once, right? 🙂

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