I was supposed to continue writing today but I got distracted. It might not be the best time to quit coffee, but I thought it might help me with my anxiety and I did slept well for the past two nights.
I stumbled on an article about the author who wrote ‘Happy’ just now. The book was perhaps his therapy after ending a really long relationship, he must have been quite depressed in the beginning, anybody would I suppose. It was eloquently written but I can’t quite finish the book; its heavily philosophical and English isn’t my first language. He was discussing about his life in the article and how he sometimes look back and feels some kind of self-loathing, which is only a trick of perspective, to live in the present and the present is absolutely fine until it has passed. But you have to tell yourself the right things, the right story. It helps if happiness is defined as the absence of disturbance, not just a mental state. Perhaps this idea is not new, but its definitely written differently and I am quite happy with this idea now.
Each day I tell myself that I am a failure for failing my exam and I would never have a respected job because of it, at least once a day. Each day I thought about burning my thesis when I’m done, just because. Each day I would have pretend conversations with just anyone, and convince myself that they’d pity me, do the head-tilted thing and try to change me. I’m angry each time I have these thoughts. Its desctructive I know. And I know its time to change the story I tell myself.
I’m not any near correcting my thesis, but I have started. Everytime I write, I’m reminded by a random failure. Its like a lottery bowl of failures; all I have to do is pick one and it felt as if it happened just yesterday. But I will finish it someday, and when I’m done, I’d like to put aside my years of torture, all my failures, take a vacation from my lottery bowl. I suppose you can’t simply retire your lottery bowl, you can just distract yourself with other things. Happy things. I’ll get my scroll and get a respectable job and a respectable wage. I’d like to be involved with charities again and do a lot of bake sale, and I’m a not bad baker. Well, Nigella is an excellent one and I use just her recipes. Wild camping again. These are the stories I’m going to tell myself every morning from now on.
That’s enough ranting for now, hang in there friends *hugs*