Wow! Do I feel like crap. I have been feeling depressed, that low level feeling in my heart area that makes me feel sad with a tinge of anger. It feels like something is pressing down on me and I can’t take full complete breaths.

I always try to figure out what is the trigger in making me feel this way. Not sure, as usual. I feel like I could cry but then if I allow myself to let go nothing happens. I just sit here frustrated. I fear that I’m going to start a rant so if you actually read through the whole blog..whoa! I’m impressed and grateful that you did.
My husband is an installer for a satellite company and the last couple of weeks he calls me every day he works and bitches and complains about his route or the failure of jobs to go through, no fault of his own. He’s a hard worker and feels obligated to be the larger earner of the two of us. That male ego..gotta love it.  Really all he’s looking for is a person to unload on…he’s not looking for a fix to the situation. While I try my best to just be a listener I do become weary after repetitive days of it. I know we all go through phases where we are REALLY dissatisfied with our jobs; I feel the same angst with mine. I feel like he doesn’t listen to me anymore when I try to tell him how I feel about my job or something else going on in my world. My husband deals with stress by playing video games..so you got it …all he’s doing these days is playing Mass Affect(sorry if I didn’t get that just right).  I will get home from work or teaching and NEED to talk and he’s just not available to me. In fact last night I didn’t get home until after 6pm due to a work meeting, I was so hungry and was looking forward to a ‘real’ meal. I walked into the house and could tell he had cooked something. I asked what he was cooking and he had made for just himself quesadillas. I was disappointed as I was thinking we could sit down and eat together. He ended up making bacon and me and my son sat in my bedroom and ate. I’m grateful my son is still living with us so at least I have someone to talk to after a long day!
I had debated with myself about going into DT chat for a bit but my energy level was just too low to do anything other then lay on the bed, talk to my son, half listen to TV and read a book. I ended up going asleep alone, again. I have to wake up at 4:15 am in order to get to work by 6 so by the time 10:00 pm rolls around I’m bushed and realize that if I don’t get some sleep I won’t be able to function the next day. I have this happen Monday morning because my husband wasn’t sleeping good Sunday night and when that happens he wakes me up often which in turn makes me tired the next day.
I’m lonely and feel disconnected from all people and self. I move through the emotion of sadness to almost a manic pitch of doing things. Hell on Sunday I accomplished more in one day then in a normal 2 day weekend. If I sit around with nothing to do it only feeds the depression and I sink lower into my pit of nothingness.
I’m reading this book about a male & female character and they are just in their relationship. The author does a great job in relating the feelings of the characters and as much as it makes me feel stupid I envy the characters. I miss for someone to give me 100% of their attention. Vicarious behavior huh?
With all this emotional crap my physical body is starting to react. I have no real desire to eat or really what it is, I am hungry but IF I can find something I want to eat I take a few bites of it and feel full and don’t want anymore of it. While you would think that would be a good thing…help keep the fattiness off…food has always been an issue with me and not being able to complete a meal is a marker of being unhappy.   
Muck & mire is the forecast for Kit. Thanks for reading.
1 Comment
  1. jimwhiteman 12 years ago

    Are u sure you are not me lol,sometimes it feels never ending dont it ,all you can do is hope for the good days and make the best of them when they arrive, best wishes jim

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