for episodic depression, as I have. It seems that your very existance is not there. No ambition, No pleasure. Except for struggling to pass time there is not much else. The thoughts of death can be rampant, although I am over that phase now and maybe have enough mental inertia/energy will to start this blog. The course does seem fluctuating. Writing a blog is something probably which will keep me ocuupied in another activity to pass time. Registering my thoughts and daily activity may just help me in future to reexamine what I have gone thru and adjust life accordingly. I have had two episodes before both lasting about eight to nine months. I never recognised them as I tried to deny them. I knew that it was that but for a better outcome my I used to constantly deny them. One for the reason of avoiding shame and the other that if I do say that I am depressed it may have a negative impact on the condition. This is the first one that I am really struggling. The thoughts of having come out of the previous ones and not having taken precautions for falling into another one. I have been quite ambitious, full of life and fully capable and able to achieve good things in my normally. But nowadays thinking how could I have done so much drains me, if I am making any sense. Although pushing to my extreme limits as I have to work in order to pay for my expenses and keep paying the family bills. It all started out of Sciatica pain and me lying in bed renumerating about the mortgage that I have to pay back and my future inability to so if the sciatica does not get over. Now the pain in gone but I am crippled by even deadlier disease. I am into the fifth month this time. Worse symptoms is the inabiltiy to sleep. Today I had decided to do some calculations for my tax file. How frustrating it was of my inabiltiy to carry on the task. Tasks that seemed like a childs play seemed untainable. Lack of concentration seems to be at its extreme. I went thru clumsily and finally was able to get something done. Clumsiness seems to be a part of the condition. Things drop out of your hand. you are forgetful of the things you keep at any place like important papers and bills. In the evening I have planned some house work. Lets see how I go / I have decided to chage title

Evening has come finally. I did manage to vaccum the house. Sunday is the most painful day. Away from work and routine the new day is diffictult to pass. I cannot close my eyes just whiling as the negative thoughts invade and oh my god they are painful. To avoid that I play computer games online. This keeps me preoccupied adn away from the painful thoughts. The evening brings some relief for the thougth the next be another one and might be better than this. Will the depression ever go away, I keep reasuring my brain that yes its a temporary thing and yet the negative thoughts of depression make me think otherwise that it is here to stay. What life would that be ? but they say depression is episodic and that has kept me going. Lets go and get some calories. Dont find eating much pleasure but have to keep eating.