I feel anxious this morning.  I don’t know why.  Maybe, I’m afraid, because I see the shrink in less than a week, and I don’t want to take mood stabilizers (I am horrified of them, even though I probably need them).  I need to get ready for outpatient.  I don’t want to move.  So much to do… 

It all seems like a lot, piling up in my head, right now.  I just want to hide for a while.  I don’t want to deal with anything.  I feel so overwhelmed. 

I know, I know…  a piece at a time.  Tiny, little, tasks…  it’s less scary that way.  God damn that alarm.  He sets it across the room, to make sure we get up.  I never want to go turn it up, and I am nearly ALWAYS awake by now, so I seem like a bitch, because he has to wake up and walk across the room.  I didn’t tell him to set it there.  Or did I?  Haha…  no, I didn’t!  I can be obstinent about this, damn it.  I don’t actually care.  The only reason I didn’t delete that nonsense is that it tells you where my head is right now (the quality of my reasoning).  My nerves are shot, and I am crazy oversensitive.

Maybe, today will be better.  I constantly feel like people are just humoring me.  I had a moment yesterday, when someone laughed after I said something really sincere, I just had to back away, or I would’ve totally overreacted (I am pretty damn certain nothing wrong was intended on the other side, so I just tried not to react.  I know how raw and hypersensitive I am, right now.  So, I guess, I have to try to second guess my reactions, for a while. 

Now, I really have to get ready to go to outpatient.  Hope you’re all doing well.

"It’s just the wasted years so close behind
Watch out, the world’s behind you
There’s always someone around you who will call
It’s nothing at all"
("Sunday Morning," The Velvet Underground)

 

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