Friday the 28th, i had an appointment with my doctor and i am back on medication again. This time i am on Celexa, Depakote and Xanax. For weeks now I have had racing thoughts, constant worry, fights with my boyfriend, panic attacks and some thoughts of suicide. The racing thoughts is what bothers me the most. Not being able to shut my mind is a constant struggle. I try to concentrate on work, cleaning my apartment etc etc but it will not stop unless i go to sleep. Falling asleep is tough too! Since i’ve noticed that i havent been able to concentrate and feel like im constantly on the edge of losing it, i decided not to take classes this semester. I need to work on myself first in order to move forward with my studies.
Since i’ve been on the medication, its only been 6 days but i think its helping. With Xanax it helps my anxiety instantly. I havent had mood swings and fights with my boyfriend either. Even when he said on Sunday he was going to leave me, i really thought nothing of it. I was calm, cool and collected. I told him that It is what it is, if your not happy then i dont want you here living with me. Although the previous week when he said he was leaving me i didnt know what to do. I constantly cried and begged for him not to leave me. I told him that it was all my fault and that i am trying to get help that i need. I ended up leaving the apt at 3am in the morning to go for a drive. I drove up to the mountains and fell asleep in my car. I couldnt sleep in the same apt knowing that he was near and i couldnt touch him. My anxiety and mood was off the charts that night.
This past Monday, we went to the Nickleback concert with some friends. I didnt say much to my friends. It just felt weird to be around them. I was clinged onto my boyfriend the hole time. I really have issues with social settings. I sometimes purposely start a fight or flat out say No to outtings with friends, movies etc. Its all not all the time…just depends on the day i guess. I just get so nervous and dont know what to say during group conversations. I hope with the help of medication and couseling i can start living a normal life again.
I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life. The ups and downs, highs and lows, racing thoughts, worries, panic attacks. Its a drain on my life and on my relationship. I have already gone thru too many relationships because of it. I lost my fiancee/my best friend due to my constant "blow ups" as he called it. He said to me "you can be happy and then you can be so pissed off in a snap" I still care for him very much, i still have love for him. I think about him from time to time…the thoughts at times haunts me though. All the good times we’ve had. *sigh the one that got away because of my issues
Hi Manda, Thank you for reading my blog. For the longest time i felt like i was alone but i found websites, some people at my job and friends that suffer thru the same or even worse. I recently told my boyfriend im on medication and i was in tears because im so ashamed of what i have become. My mother used to say that depression and such doesnt run in our family so it must be all in your head. My father and my brother support me and try to be understand it. You really cant though unless your going through it.
I totally understand what your talking about with "analyzing". OMG! i analyze and plan everything. I go back and forth and next thing you know im trapped in my own mind. Sometimes i cant get it out of my head for days and days. I will wake up and start to think again. The meds are helping me for sure because it hasnt been that bad lately.
Thank you for telling me a little about yourself too. I really appreciate it. Gives me hope too. Good luck and if you ever want to reach out to me in the future feel free too.