GOSH that hurts- and it totally shouldn’t!! We broke up about a week and a half ago. It ended nicely. In fact, we both agreed we needed to break up, our relationship was nothing but physical, there wasn’t really a friendship there and it was long distance anyway, and he wasn’t being good at replying to texts and such. So it felt mutual, we decided to try and at least keep in touch, be friends. He said “bye sweety, talk to you later” when we hung up. He sent me his new cell phone number, when he could’ve totally just not.
So why is it that today when I sign on to Facebook to send him a quick message to just see how he’s doing, I come to discover that he’s no longer my Facebook friend? I’ve never known him to be a liar – well, except when it comes to how he really feels. Just like I suspected, he really wasn’t ok like he said he was when we broke up. But man, that hurts. I guess I was really ok with the break up because I knew it was what God wanted me to do…I’d been living in sin being with him…but I don’t know if I can handle being rejected like that. I guess maybe that’s why he did it, he wanted to have some way to do the rejecting. *sigh* Guys. Can’t live with `em, can’t live without `em.
Among other news, things totally fell apart with my job. I was put on suspension and told that if I didn’t perform x, x, x, and x perfectly without fault, I would be fired. Seeing as how the suspension caught me TOTALLY off guard – in fact, I thought I was being called into the office for a pay raise because I’d improved my performance over these last few months since the last suspension – I decided it was time to resign, since my supervisor obviously sees my performance on the total opposite spectrum of my own view. So now I have less than 2 weeks to find a new job. I’ve applied for several…in graphic design…but not a single call yet. I’m trying to have faith that God will provide but it’s SO hard. I don’t have any savings either. Just the a little over 1 grand in the bank. That will only pay rent and my car payment for the month of August. Then, I will really be in trouble. At least my parents said they would help out if worse came to worse…
And finally, social stuff is still not looking better. I really don’t know what to do. I just feel like my life is always falling apart. I just want some stability and success in life, and some people to do it with. I am going to try and make friends with older women though, one of the women in the fitness boot camp I’m taking (oh yeah, do that Mon/Wed/Fri before work and I HIGHLY recommend it, it puts me on a high at least those mornings and helps get rid of my depression if even only temporarily!!), in her 50s, invited me to go to this party with her…I couldn’t make it because of needing to apply for jobs, but I’m hoping to do a movie with her soon. There is also another lady in her 50s that is super sweet I want to hang out with. And Jan Dravecky (the depression book author, another lady in her 50s) and I are due for another lunch soon. At least I have them. But it’d be so nice to have people my age. I guess that’s a start.
Oh, and a friend of mine from back home in GA is here for the summer, we hung out last weekend and then will again August 15…he is awesome, but sometimes ultra distracted by his other friends and not good at paying any attention to me. So we’ll see. But one thing he’s good at is giving me advice, and he said when he went through depression that volunteer work really helped him get outside of his problems and even possibly make friends so I’m going to try and find something to do. I just don’t know what yet.