I sit here tonight, watching another episode of Grey’s Anatomy, debating starting Gilmore Girls all over again. To retreat to Star Hollows with Babette, Ms. Patty, Lorelai, Andrew, Emily, Richard, Kirk and of course Luke.
I would walk the town to take in the sights. Stop by Mrs. Kim’s antiques, and hope to catch Lane rocking out with Hep Alien. I’d curl up on the gazebo with a good book and read until I was lost in a world that was not my own. I would escape and I would be anywhere but here.
I would be in a world where no one knows me, but I them. Where friends come easy and laughter occurs so frequently there would never be a reason not to smile. I would know where to get an amazing cup of coffee, and a place to rest my head at the Dragonfly Inn. Again, I’d rather be there, than a place that is to be my home.
If anything the last 2 weeks taught me. The place that was to be my happy place. My calm. My center. Is not that no more. It’s now became a place of chaos. Frustration. Anger and resentment.
I’m struggling with family and complications and I’m to blame too. But the last 2 weeks I have experienced a death, loss of a home that has been home fo 23 years. A cancer diagnosis in my grandma, her surgery, transition her into assisted living (eventually)and I no longer have my source to escape.
For me it was college. I would study my classes and I would excel. I was focused on becoming a better me educationally wise. It was something I could do. Now, I feel lost. So much stress that thoughts of suicide have come flooding back. I know I was to blame for some but some of this but not all.
I reached out tonight for help. It was what I needed. My brain has stopped racing and the thoughts have diminished for now. Did I mention that today is my anniversary? 7 years. I’ve been married 7 years today and I couldn’t even celebrate with my husband. I’m too numb and I can’t deal with the stress from my family.
I still want to curl under a rock and hide. Maybe not die. But hide.