One thing leads to another. I feel like I would have made smarter choices if I stayed sober seven years ago. I would tend to do really horrible things while under the influence I could never do or want to do sober. And I can’t help to think I would be over Doug by now. Maybe I would have left him years ago instead of hiding the pain with drugs & other men. But I stayed and I fought & when he didn’t want it like I did, I’d go back to using drugs & seeing other men. I tried for one last time & had enough. I didn’t want to live like that anymore, so I left. I felt the need to leave and get out of that situation & for one night I slept great. Maybe a day later, a week later, I started to ask him if he was going to follow me up to Wisconsin. Still, I covered up my pain of loosing a husband and my child’s father by using & seeing other men.
Sometimes I would think I was over it, but really I was just putting it in the back of my head. Doug is the one I chose to be my person, he’s the one I chose to start a family with. I might have been happy with other people, but with my daughter in the mix it just wasn’t right… Even in the back of my head I would always be thinking, “If Doug got his crap together, I would drop everything & be with him right now!” I could tell that she just wanted that guy to be her father & she would cling onto them so tightly and get attached so fast. Some men didn’t care, others thought there was something wrong with her because of it. Then they would just leave us in the dust like Doug did. He was always there when they left me though. That’s what fucks me up the most. He’s there in the flesh, but when it comes to what I need mentally, emotionally & financially, it is null.
I have been sober for a year and eight months & I’ve been single since May, so now I’m finally able to process my marriage ending. It’s crazy because I think about actively leaving it, thinking it wouldn’t affect me anymore, but my emotions are still very much involved.
I feel like I’m just waiting for him to do the right thing & be there for us even though I know that’s completely insane. I know I need to let the fire burn out, but it scares me to do that or to think that that’s it for Doug & I. Logical side of me goes, “Hey, Roxanne, remember the day you decided to leave? How you felt?” And feel like an idiot for feeling how I do now, but that only helps for a second & then I’m back to feeling like, “What the fuck, he just abandoned his family, I’m here making memories with Sonya doing family things with her & he’s out there doing him.” Then I wonder is life without me that much better? He says it’s not, but him doing whatever he wants is much more appealing than family life with me. But one day I’ll truly be over it because I’m doing it right this time, single, without distractions. And it’ll be done, over, through. And Doug will be the one left wishing.
These emotions I feel are so intense & have been so all over the place for years now. I almost feel bipolar because of everything I am feeling. It’s insane. Even my therapist told me that sometimes grief like this never goes away or gets better, but it softens. It felt good to hear that from a professional because I was thinking that’s the way it was going to be, but I wish there were some magic words that could make all of this right. I really want to feel happy, but at this time I just need to work through what I am going through. I’m analyzing every detail. Staying present within my own flesh. Instead of jumping out of my skin I am welcoming the flood gates to open. That’s the difference this time around. For that, I hope I make it through this storm.