Ok so this is my first blog. I had no idea what to put as my user name but this seemed appropriate because although I might seem a happy person on the outside, inside is a different story. I guess it's the same for a lot of people really. So I've been tackling depression for about three years. There have been up times and at one point I could see recovery, but how wrong was I. I didn't think it could get any worse than it had before this and I actually started to believe all those people that tell you 'It will get better, I promise you' in those up times. However now I'm sitting here lower than ever worrying about everything and anything. I've started seeing things when I shut my eyes and even sometimes with my eyes open. I know they aren't real but they are so scary. I sit awake worrying and too scared to shut my eyes or look around my room. I worry about people a lot. What they think about me mostly. I haven't been to school in a while because I fear so much that I will say something wrong and offend someone or they will laugh at me or look at me. I sit here most of the day, knowing I should revise. That scares me so much too. I worry i will grow up and become a nothing. Just like I am a nothing now. No one really cares about me I swear. They just pretend. Why would they? I'm nothing special. Everyone is better than me, I'm just weak. I don't see the point in me living. I have no benefit to anyone and I will just lead this life of struggle and pain for what? Growing up and getting a job that I don't really like and being married to someone who doesn't actually love me. I am good at nothing. No one really likes me for me and I don't see why they would. I envy people who have life easy so much. Those loveable people that don't really do much but just seem to get everyone to adore them as soon as they walk in the room. I have so many awkward relationships with people and they seem to have none. I hate this. I always compare myself even though I'm told not too but I feel like it's what I deserve.

1 Comment
  1. mentalhell 9 years ago

    I'm sorry to hear about your son, it really is awful going through this:( and yes i do see a psychiatrist and she says that I have depression and that I might have a bit of anxiety in the mix. She also is thinking of putting me on meds but since I've just started a new type of therapy she wants to wait a little bit. Ah yes being in a relationship like that really wouldn't help, i hope he's feeling a lot better now?

    Thanks a lot:) it really helps just to get some advice and help from people even if we are strangers ahah.
    I just feel so strongly its the truth that i am weak and not good enough and when people say things like that I find it so hard to believe
    I guess i opened up the blog to vent out and to find people who know how it feels, its a good feeling when you're in this state

    thanks i'm sure i will 🙂

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