Look I cant stand it.Ive felt like this for a long time,Im hanging in there but i cant stand it any longer.The things in my life are really getting to me,Im trying to get better but the main issue is destroying me.How do I go thru it alone,I cant talk about it to my friend,he will be shocked out his shoes,he wants me to talk about my issues,but I wont.No point.My other friedn who is supposed to be my soul mate( not romatic at all) is killing me.Today was it ,just it,I cant satnd the lies.He said to me,why are you doing this,thanks for your support,Im like WTF!He has hurt me extremely and said sorry sorry sorry and promised me.I sent atext today about it,he didnt answer.When I got home i was fkn pi$$ed off and he said WTF wrong with you.I said why didnt you txt me back he starts screaming just fkn forget about it.I cant believe it ,this was supposed to help me to get well,he promised me he fkn promised me and now he says look just forget about it.Im going outof my mind,Im scared.I always say this:when you can see a catastrophe up ahead ,do all you can to stop it.Im trying to stop it.He promised me I could do what I wanted to to stop what i can see happening and today he says just shut up about it ,dont mention it again.I cant believe it ,Im stunned,shocked,overwhelmed.I have no control over whats gunna happen,and it affects me hugely.But I cant seem to accept if i go,Ill be all alone.yes,Ive isolated myself over the years,and I have left all the ppl I new out of my life and havent brought new ones in.Its all the problems and the depression and all the stuff thats happend with my health and my mind and all the things that have gone wrong,I just couldnt handle making other friends.I have one person who made me thier friedn and Im glad but like I say,hes so straight he cant understand when you arent a normal person ,he just thinks its gotta be something you did,all because he was lucky to be born into a good family that support him,hes always worked,never took drugs or smoked,saved his money and now hes set,he thinks we all gotta be like that.So if I leave my home of 22 yrs,Ill be by myself.i work,i got a good job but I cant bear to live with anyone else,Im comfortable with this person (my other friend not the straight one) but hes sending me to suicide with what hes done and still doing.I cant live alone,Im a woman,and Ill be fkn terrified of some creep rape and murder me.I dont want to be alone any more.Look,Im just gunna have to suck it up and get my act together,I got things I want to do,i have to stop sedating myself with pills and stuff,i gotta see the reality ,I gotta face up to it and get better.I want someone to fkn help me!Someone who understands why I got in this mess and that Im a darn good person,I can be trusted,yes TRUSTED.How many ppl can u trust thesedays ,like really trust.Not many thats for sure.But I can be trusted.i wont steal from you,I wont fk your husband or boyfriend behind your back,I wont use you or let you down when you need a friend to pull you up.But no,cant seem to find anyone like that for me.WTF,everyone says "I want to find ppl I can trust,to be my friend and be there for me and me them"but yeah sure,how many ppl are like that,yeah right,not many.Im not saying no one is like that but WHERE ARE YOU ALL!!!!I guess I gotta take responsibility a bit,I feel bad vibes from so many ppl,maybe its just my weird way of looking at the world coz of the ppl Ive had in the past.So maybe I give off a bad vibe coz im rolling thunder in my head.But I want to feel safe,i want to feel safe!I feel so alone,so angry ,so depressed.
Ok Ive had my rant.Im going to get well.Im going to fkg succeed in life,Im gunna find good ppl like me to be my "family" and Im going to fuking laugh for a change and FEEL SAFE .IM GUNNA DO ITCOME HELL OR HIGH WATER
I AM GOING TO FEEL SAFE,HAPPY ,CONTENT AND DARN WELL SATISFIED WITH MY LOT.ITS GUNNA TAKE WORK,HARD WORK AND BY FUCK IM GUNNA STAY ANGRY COZ THAT SEEMS TO GIVE ME ENERGY TO CHANGE.IM GUNNA STOP CRYING EVERY DAY ,I DONT KNOW WHATI'LL DO WHEN I FEEL SCARED AND ALONE ,ILL JUST HAVE TO TRY AND TALK MYSELF UP.I BEEN THRU A LOT IN THIS LIFE,IVE PROVEN I CAN CUT IT,IVE DONE IT ALONE AND IM STILL STANDING.I DONT KNOW HOW I GOT THRU THE REALLY BAD BAD YEARS,AND HOW IVE GOT THRU THIS SHIT THE LAST CPL BUT I HAVE.I HATE FEELING LIKE I WANNA DIE,ITS NOT THAT I DONT WANT TO LIVE,I JUST DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.Why cant we sleep,,its our DIVINE RIGHT TO SLEEP,but no,mind and body wont let us sleep and repair without a mountain of pills,its disgraceful.Im really pi$$ed off,Im full on ropable ,I AM SEETHING
So tomorrows gunna be a new day-I say that EVERY DAY but by fk its gunna be a REAL NEW DAY and Im gunna win this war ,Im a one woman army against the whole world but im gunna go down fighting,no im not going down,Im going to WIN THIS .Im gunna be like the animals and the plants and alll our ancestors im gunna EVOLVE ADAPT AND CHANGE to fit.Im not going to compromise me but Im gunna FIT coz thats how you win YOU FIT.NO not "fit in" YOU FIT.It might hurt a bit coz you sort of gotta get out of your comfort zone abit but thats the smart thing to do,you MAKE IT WORK-FOR YOU.