Hey all, or anyone reading this, so hear is my story… I am currently 18 but i was 14 when this all started, I was in class when a friend of mine got up and my eyes went to his butt, now before you say anything, I am not Gay, but at that instant i panicked and thought oh no im gay, and then i began to get sexual intrusive thoughts, although i had no idea at the time, i thought i was gay and for three years i suffered, i began to isolate myself i began trying to figure out if i was gay, checking on the internet for answers, going on pornography to see what got me excited…. it was horrible, the worst part was I was an avid Football Player, I played offensive line and i was really good at it and was on my way to a scholarship, but i began to push myself away from the sport i loved because i was worried i might be gay and i was having thoughts while on the field it made me extremely uncomfortable i felt alone and Isolated, the only peace i got was in sleep, and from then on i thought about suicide, I wished for death, i hated it all and i suffered in silence for three years, but i continued with my day to day activities just going through the motions, i didnt even like anything i was doing, i was stuck checking everyday, every minute, i would go on pornography to check, and i apologize for being a bit graphic here, but if i did not masturbate to straight porn my anxiety would rise and my thoughts would be overwhelmed with worry. I was so afraid, i did not know what to do, now this summer that just past, I was seventeen, and then one day i had a thought of strangling my younger brother with my bare hands, it hurt me more than anything i love my younger brother with all my heart, he suffers from OCD as well, my whole life has been about protecting him, i felt awful, i cried, i wanted to die, i told my dad the thought i had and he said "what do you want to do?" i said "I need to go to the doctor" and the doctor had me admitted to the hospital where i began my stay in the pediatrics psychiatrich ward, i felt so awful, i wanted to die, I thought there was no hope but as i went through the program i began to feel better, but still i worried, then the thought came…… What if im a psychopath, or a serial killer? and then my mind began to wander and i didnt know how to stop it, i didnt want anyone visiting me in the hospital out of fear of harming them, i didnt even want to have contact with the staff i feared i would harm them, because the strangling thought became generalized so it was towards everyone, and while in the hospital the thoughts changed, stabbing, cutting, etc. you name it 2-3 months out of the hospital now and i still have these thoughts and impulses but i have not acted on them yet, and i really dont want to. I find it hard to differentiate between the OCD thoughts and my own, my latest worry is that i might become schizophrenic and i get very fearfull when im by myself, i fear i might start hearing voices or see people who arent there. OCD drives me crazy, along with my generalized anxiety and depression. But things have progressively gotten better. There are things i do now to help me, Work out, Draw, write rap songs, journal, CBT, Yoga, Meditation etc. I know that this wont go away but im going to make the best of my life with this illness.
MrSAYITAGAIN09, , OCD, Anxiety, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Depression, Grief, Lesbian, Gay, LGBTQ, OCD, Schizophrenia, Sex Therapy, Sleep Disorders, Suicide, 3
one thing that has helped me is to understand that thoughts are not facts. we who have ocd think that just because a thought crosses our minds, it must be true. i have been here were you are many times before. i am glad that you are taking steps to feel better. you are very brave! and because of this you will go far! take care
Fearful journey, wise decisions, Iread hope and optimisum in what you write, these 2 qualities plus patience will make coexisting with OCD a possibikity
Hey,
My name is Jessica, I bet it took quite a bit of courage to write your life story regarding the OCD. I completely understand how stressful it is. Just remember that you are not alone when it comes to these issues. God Bless you can i wish you great Health as well as Happiness.
Sincerely,
J.B.