Hey all, or anyone reading this, so hear is my story… I am currently 18 but i was 14 when this all started, I was in class when a friend of mine got up and my eyes went to his butt, now before you say anything, I am not Gay, but at that instant i panicked and thought oh no im gay, and then i began to get sexual intrusive thoughts, although i had no idea at the time, i thought i was gay and for three years i suffered, i began to isolate myself i began trying to figure out if i was gay, checking on the internet for answers, going on pornography to see what got me excited…. it was horrible, the worst part was I was an avid Football Player, I played offensive line and i was really good at it and was on my way to a scholarship, but i began to push myself away from the sport i loved because i was worried i might be gay and i was having thoughts while on the field it made me extremely uncomfortable i felt alone and Isolated, the only peace i got was in sleep, and from then on i thought about suicide, I wished for death, i hated it all and i suffered in silence for three years, but i continued with my day to day activities just going through the motions, i didnt even like anything i was doing, i was stuck checking everyday, every minute, i would go on pornography to check, and i apologize for being a bit graphic here, but if i did not masturbate to straight porn my anxiety would rise and my thoughts would be overwhelmed with worry. I was so afraid, i did not know what to do, now this summer that just past, I was seventeen, and then one day i had a thought of strangling my younger brother with my bare hands, it hurt me more than anything i love my younger brother with all my heart, he suffers from OCD as well, my whole life has been about protecting him, i felt awful, i cried, i wanted to die, i told my dad the thought i had and he said "what do you want to do?" i said "I need to go to the doctor" and the doctor had me admitted to the hospital where i began my stay in the pediatrics psychiatrich ward, i felt so awful, i wanted to die, I thought there was no hope but as i went through the program i began to feel better, but still i worried, then the thought came…… What if im a psychopath, or a serial killer? and then my mind began to wander and i didnt know how to stop it, i didnt want anyone visiting me in the hospital out of fear of harming them, i didnt even want to have contact with the staff i feared i would harm them, because the strangling thought became generalized so it was towards everyone, and while in the hospital the thoughts changed, stabbing, cutting, etc. you name it 2-3 months out of the hospital now and i still have these thoughts and impulses but i have not acted on them yet, and i really dont want to. I find it hard to differentiate between the OCD thoughts and my own, my latest worry is that i might become schizophrenic and i get very fearfull when im by myself, i fear i might start hearing voices or see people who arent there. OCD drives me crazy, along with my generalized anxiety and depression. But things have progressively gotten better. There are things i do now to help me, Work out, Draw, write rap songs, journal, CBT, Yoga, Meditation etc. I know that this wont go away but im going to make the best of my life with this illness.

3 Comments
  1. her_ocd 10 years ago

    one thing that has helped me is to understand that thoughts are not facts. we who have ocd think that just because a thought crosses our minds, it must be true.  i have been here were you are many times before. i am glad that you are taking steps to feel better. you are very brave! and because of this you will go far! take care

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    Fearful journey, wise decisions, Iread hope and optimisum in what you write, these 2 qualities plus patience will make coexisting with OCD a possibikity

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  3. jbohal 10 years ago

     

    Hey,

    My name is Jessica, I bet it took quite a bit of courage to write your life story regarding the OCD. I completely understand how stressful it is. Just remember that you are not alone when it comes to these issues. God Bless you can i wish you great Health as well as Happiness.

    Sincerely,

                    J.B.

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