Hi to all my fans on here.

 I am sorry that I have been away from you guys for so long. I thought not coming on here as much might make my OCD better. I WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

 

Lets see what has been going on?

 I was able to detox off reading the paper which was good. I then decided to get obsessed with reading ESPN. In the first time of reading that which was August 2008-March 2009 I was reading every single story, recap,  and column that I could get my hands on. I was reading 1,500 stories a month and spending over 100 hours doing this. The second time I started in May of 2009 and I have been addicted to my times of 5AM and 5PM. When I do not read 30 stories an hour I feel I underachieved. Even if they were bigger stories that is unacceptable to me. I am almost at 29 stories an hour for the whole time. Yes this is actually timed.  I have to get up early because where I live the 52 year old son (he still lives at home) will start talking and I do not want my concentration broken. I will then recap the basketball and hockey what players got at least 10 points in basketball, and in hockey who scored a goal and or had at least two points.  For awhile I was listening to the news but that caused a problem.

 

 I was writing down every thing that I was hearing on the news to tell my father which he either knew or in some cases really did not care. A few months before that another problem was brewing. A list of things to tell my father. At this point it was not that bad. It has gone from 10-12 things of 100 words to in some cases over 2,000 words per sitting. He asks me to keep the list to 1,750 words per sitting which I can't do. It is very hard for me. I can go to the bank and have 800 words from what happened walking back and forth and what transpired in there. I tell him about everything that happens in this house when I am walking what I see on Youtube. He does not care about most of the things but I feel the need to tell him and if I don't I feel rage like I will kill myself.  He has been getting to his wits end with this he understands but he has his own problems. I feel like I am no where.

 I am living a double life. I have to avoid the landlord downstairs because besides it being an addition to tell my father who knows if they will ask about a job since they see me and hear me all the time? I can't concentrate. I have to feel like I am doing something.  I am still walking even though I am 145 pounds now. Oh my weight is another big thing. I wake up every day and I say I can't wait for this day to end so I do not get any sleep at night. I go to bed at 8:30 wake up around 5.  I then start my Time Of Errands list which is mail,stories, scores, walking and whatever other errands, bank, shopping. In the afternoon I add the time Careerbuilder and Monster took to the list. Oh there is also a sheet of my total mileage walked, and the errands like jobs and shopping that goes by the week. I then make a list each week of Things to do. I use a pen for financial transactions and one for everything else. I cannot eat or drink until after my second weigh in no matter how hungry or thirsty I am.

 The job front is crappy. I can either tell my father about the jobs I see and he will ask did I apply? So if I am in a bad mood I might come back with a dumb comment like why should I work when I don't mean it but quite frankly it is almost five years I apply and nothing happens. What is the point of getting hurt and losing another job so quickly?

 

 My memory is totally gone now I have just detoxed off Klonopin cold turkey 17 days ago. I was on it for almost 17 years.  I have had the headaches, stomach aches, shakes, neck spasms, losing of hair, sore throat, suicidal thoughts, not sleeping ,sweating, memory problems which could be permanent. I am confused if my reading and writing is getting worse due to this or from a lack of doing anything? I noticed my spelling is pretty much gone. I will spell a word and have a letter one to two letters in front of where it should be or spell a word like pretty with a b. Do any of you get that?

 I have had two suicide attempts in the last three months.  Finally fixed the wall that I broke from rage which happened in May.  At the same time I decided to get rid of my AOL dial up and get Verizon. I was then told I would have to upgrade the lines so I was without the computer for four days. As any of you know that was a catastrophe. I had to read four days of ESPN that night.

 

 In July I saw a psychologist one visit and I did not think he could help me he also had some sort of seizure disorder which got me nervous.

 

Right now my main problems are my OCD of reading the same time every day having to get up early, having to go for my walk before seeing my landlords wife and the previously mentioned 52 year old son as well as taking the garbage can in which I really only contribute one bag to it a week so there are times nothing of mine is in there. The list, trying to be perfect, the jobs which really are a waste. Going back on Craigslist and seeing what I might have been able to do if I had phone skills or broadening what I am capable of doing. Worrying what everyone thinks of me.

 Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 

 

Hope to hear from you soon,

 

Marc 

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    It can be dangerous to go off drugs cold turkey and without doctor’s supervision.  Somehow I get the impression that you are being  reckless.  You also ( inferred from your writing) have anger management problems and poor impulse control.  I also can’t related to the need to wean yourself from reading.  It is also my opinion that if you keep doing stuff like going cold turkey off meds, you may accumulate more ocd symptoms and the may become more severe.  I am mindful though that it is your life to do with as you wish.

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