so, after cutting myself for the first time this morning i decided to see what kind of help is available to me on the world wide web. Which leads up to me writing this "Blog" on this site right now.

I have beed battling with depression, anxiety and panic attacks since i was 15 so itll be 10 years this june. To the best of my knowledge there has only been a handful of times where i felt completly out of control. One of that handful being today.

If i were to write about everything in my life that has made me be here, writing to you right now, this post would never end. to sum it up very half assed:  my parents recently divorced and my mom dsowned me becuase she thought i was taking my dads "side". shortly after this i take a personal leave of absense from work to deal with my emotions. I didnt return to work and on feb.21’08 i was in a bad car accident. I have gone thru it all from detoxing of oxycontins to having a quack as my physician..then in sept my boyfriend at the time who was living with me and not working so i supported the 2 of us (stupid i know) decides to take my bank card, go to the bank, and take out whatever scarces funds i had left. then he took off and i havent heard from him since. now im 47,000 dollars in debt and still cant work becuase of my chronic back pain. the car insurance company stopped my income replacement payments in oct. because they say i should be better by now! How can they, who havent even seen me decide that im ok to go back to work???

Ive gained 30 lbs over the last year from being completly inactive and from yet another horrible habit of eating in my sleep. the other day i ate 3 cinnimon buns in my sleep and woke up with icing all over my body, clothes and bedding!!

want to know the answer my doc gives me for everything?

for my effexor: I was always on 75mgs until the accident when she told me to increase it to 150mgs. then when i would tell her how much my car accident as gotten me depressed, she wants me to take 300mgs of effexor and 300mgs of welbutrin!!! i currently take 150mgs of efexor and 300 of welbutrin which all in all i guess is not workin all that well for me. if i suggest she make some changes she says no and increases my current meds.

for sleeping: since she has me jacked up on anti-depressants,  i obviously cant sleep. so she gives me seroquel. which at first did help me with falling asleep but i would still get up 5-6 times a night and occasionally eat. so she tells me to up the dose as high as 500mgs per night! when i tried 100mgs i thought i was going to have a heart attack…so now she has me on amitripyline which also does not help and she just tells me to up the dose!! now my sleep-eating is becoming sooo frequent that that alone is enuf to depress me.

wow…ok…my fingers hurt now..so ill stop but that was a taste and it acually felt good getting that out there.

thanks for reading

~Melissa