Today I did it again. I broke down. D was getting ready for work, but I broke down after not being able to find my lap top, ID for school, or keys. I lost it all this morning, found them in intervals. But he got upset, which later we talked and he said he just wants me to be happy and be able to function. I guess that is a habit of mine, not being able to function enough to leave the house. I feel like I can't. Then as we were driving in the car, we wen to the gas station for breakfast on the way to school like always. I couldn't stop crying since I woke up this morning. As we drove to get breakfast, I couldn't help but think that all I wanted was not go anywhere. Because when I am at school I'll be all alone. I don't have friends. I will be alone and I am terrified of being alone right now. I got suicidal thinking I'd rather be dead than go to school and worried that if I got left at school or my dorm, I would break down alone with noneone and chose the way out of life. I don't want to do that though, I mean. At the moment I really couldn't stop the thoughts. D was sweet and gave me a hug, talked with me, drove me home. But he has been asking me, and just over the phone, what's wrong besides the fact that I am scared to go to school afraid that people will stare and whisper at me being pregnant. I guess, I don't know. I just get all upset and it spirals downwards and I don't know how to tell him that I don't know why. I wish I could explain it, but I just don't have a solid explination. I am going to talk to him about this, because I should and I need to and want to. I just find it hard trying to tell him that I don't know the solid reason for it…
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Zoeygirl,
Have you ever shown D any of your blogs? Maybe not show him the whole thing, but let him read parts. Keep telling him you don't understand why you react the way you do, that you are just as confused as he is. The more I tell my husband I don't know why I am crying, I just am, the more he gets it. He wants me to function normally, too. But he is finally learning that I don't function normally. You may sound like a broken record, but just keep repeating that you do not know or understand.
I agree with Robert about getting professional help. Talk with your OB-GYN about it on your next prenatal visit. Being pregnant can make things worse for depression. Your hormones just wreak havoc on you. Lots of women with no history of depression do strange things while pregnant. You are not alone in your fears.
Take care,
Elf