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I always thought I’d be the exception to the rule, the one that did things differently, but now I see I’m more of a cliché than anything else.

I was diagnosed Bipolar several years ago now and ever since I’ve always resisted medication. I think I resist because I still don’t consider myself ‘ill.’ I am how I’ve always been. I don’t declare it on any application forms when they ask about medical history, a few people in my life know but I don’t openly talk about it. When I have talked about having Bipolar I get one of two reactions, either I get the ‘what’s that look’ and then I have to spend time explaining what Bipolar is and feel really cringe worthy as I’m doing it. Or I get ‘I’m moody too’ and then it gets dismissed. There’s no point talking to these people as they don’t want to even try and understand. Whichever way it doesn’t go well. My chosen method is to wait until I’ve done something, either because of mania or depression, and then I have no other choice but to tell. It’s not a great way, but it’s the only way that works. It’s then that people want to listen. When I’m depressed I don’t return phone calls or texts, I just can’t face it. When I’m manic I do very strange things like buying a table tennis table for my one bedroomed flat. Not a sensible idea, I couldn’t even get it through the front door!

Something happened to me a couple of weeks ago that’s made me rethink my whole approach to my mental illness. I heard that Bipolar gets worse as you get older. That really hit me hard. It’s a scary thought. Through all the ups, all the downs, all the manic shopping sprees, all the looking at tall buildings and imagining what it would be like to fall off, are things going to get worse? If so then I need to rethink how I manage my mental disorder. What is the best way forward? What is my life going to be like in the future?

I’ve got nothing but questions going round my head. I feel like I am at a crossroad in my life and I know on some level I need to change, what exactly I don’t know, but I need to find out.

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