It’s the first day of school, and I have late classes, so here I am. I am so scared about the courses that I’m taking this semester, especially this one course that requires that I continually interact with people, and in which I have to work on a project with a group of people. I hate that. I don’t get along with my classmates…unless with some stroke of luck I end up in a group that contains people who transferred from college, probably older, and just doesn’t act like the rest of my class. Either way, I hate “participation” in my courses. I don’t have much to say about the discussion topics usually, or if I do, I have to work up a lot of courage to speak, or I keep it to myself because it’s something depressive, and to reveal it is to reveal that something’s wrong with me…Let me restate that: Not “wrong,” just “different.”
Anyways…I have more than just school on my plate this year too…and I’m afraid that I will not be able to keep myself together when I put so much of myself into my work.
I cannot believe that 4 months has gone by! How did it go by so quickly?? I didn’t even get around to all those things I wanted to do. And I hate those calls that I get from my close friends. It does something to me inside. I feel my heart harden, and I want to hang up cuz I don’t want to listen to their stuff. And whenever other people talk about issues that happened to my close friends which brought on what happened between me and my friends, I don’t want to listen to it…but if I cannot get over these things, it’ll have an impact on my life and what becomes of it.
I feel so lonely already when school hasn’t even started. I know that I’ll be walking from place to place on campus alone, and I’ll be studying alone in the library. But I’ll probably not be on campus as much as I was in previous years, anyways, I guess. I hope my new workplace will have people I get along really well with, otherwise, my new schoolyear will be crappy, if everywhere I spend my time sucks. There are a couple of people who want to hang out with me on campus, but for some reason, I still find myself alone even with them around. I don’t know why I feel lonely. There is no reason to. Plus, being alone isn’t all bad (sometimes/often I want to be alone). THIS SUCKS.
I’m trying to have a positive look on this upcoming schoolyear, but all I can muster is fear right now. And I’m sooo tired. Tired from the events of this summer, but I also know that it has to do with stressing out and being scared. I need a lot of sleep again, even when I go to bed early. I need a vacation. 😀
I feel like a part of me is dying with the summer…with every sunset. I cannot see why, but that’s how I feel. This summer has been the best and probably the worst at the same time.
…I CAN do this! [:S]
Yes, you can.
It may not be easy but you can do it.
Keep fighting for yourself, and maybe talk to people in your courses–maybe make friends of them? I know that’s hard and risky, but it might help the loneliness.