It’s the first day of school, and I have late classes, so here I am. I am so scared about the courses that I’m taking this semester, especially this one course that requires that I continually interact with people, and in which I have to work on a project with a group of people. I hate that. I don’t get along with my classmates…unless with some stroke of luck I end up in a group that contains people who transferred from college, probably older, and just doesn’t act like the rest of my class. Either way, I hate “participation” in my courses. I don’t have much to say about the discussion topics usually, or if I do, I have to work up a lot of courage to speak, or I keep it to myself because it’s something depressive, and to reveal it is to reveal that something’s wrong with me…Let me restate that: Not “wrong,” just “different.”

Anyways…I have more than just school on my plate this year too…and I’m afraid that I will not be able to keep myself together when I put so much of myself into my work.

I cannot believe that 4 months has gone by! How did it go by so quickly?? I didn’t even get around to all those things I wanted to do. And I hate those calls that I get from my close friends. It does something to me inside. I feel my heart harden, and I want to hang up cuz I don’t want to listen to their stuff. And whenever other people talk about issues that happened to my close friends which brought on what happened between me and my friends, I don’t want to listen to it…but if I cannot get over these things, it’ll have an impact on my life and what becomes of it.

I feel so lonely already when school hasn’t even started. I know that I’ll be walking from place to place on campus alone, and I’ll be studying alone in the library. But I’ll probably not be on campus as much as I was in previous years, anyways, I guess. I hope my new workplace will have people I get along really well with, otherwise, my new schoolyear will be crappy, if everywhere I spend my time sucks. There are a couple of people who want to hang out with me on campus, but for some reason, I still find myself alone even with them around. I don’t know why I feel lonely. There is no reason to. Plus, being alone isn’t all bad (sometimes/often I want to be alone). THIS SUCKS.

I’m trying to have a positive look on this upcoming schoolyear, but all I can muster is fear right now. And I’m sooo tired. Tired from the events of this summer, but I also know that it has to do with stressing out and being scared. I need a lot of sleep again, even when I go to bed early. I need a vacation. 😀

I feel like a part of me is dying with the summer…with every sunset. I cannot see why, but that’s how I feel. This summer has been the best and probably the worst at the same time.

…I CAN do this! [:S]

1 Comment
  1. sorrowfulpoet 13 years ago

    Yes, you can.

    It may not be easy but you can do it.
    Keep fighting for yourself, and maybe talk to people in your courses–maybe make friends of them? I know that’s hard and risky, but it might help the loneliness.
    R

    Good luck.

    |
    0 kudos

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