So today is a new day….ive set up a account on here to try and blog my feelings, thoughts and actions to help myself in my continuous recovery with my depression. Firstly though maybe a lil history into my life so far with depression :
Throughout my teenage years i felt something was wrong, more so than the usual feelings of being a teenager and the world is against me feeling. I knew I felt depressed from the age of 15 but couldnt put a finger on it fully, however coming from a family who believe mental illness is just an excuse i couldnt just go to my mum and ask for help. It took my until i finished uni and moved in with my bf to finally get help and thats at my bf insistence. I know now that my problems stem from pressure from myself but a lot from my parents, now its not just me using my parents as an excuse…my parents have always wanted what was best for me, and im truely appreicative of that however i always feel in the shadow of my brothers. Now i have 2 brothers, 1 who is 10 years older who lives in australia and another who is 5 years older living in the north of england,. now my oldest brother was the brains of the family and he got the greatest grades my parents could ask for and did well at uni and does well for a living and now is set for life with his family, the only mistake he made was moving to australia.
my second brother has been pretty much the black sheep of the family and well im not gunna get into it but he just messed up a bit when it came to uni and leaving home…i mean he's doing so well for himself now but he's in a job which my parents dont approve of,,,,i mean they payed for us all to go to university and whats my brother doing with his degree? nothing? he has a job completely different to his degree but thats life thats what happeneds to a lot of people. Now ive had to work real had just to go average grades but i went to uni and have come out not knowing what i wanted to do…so ive spent the last 10 months working full time in what was my holiday job, and dont get me wrong its great, i got money straight away from leaving uni unlike friends who took them months to get a job.
my problem is, the job im doing isnt good enough for my parents, working in a pub….now fair enough i did a degree in criminology but i live in the middle of no where and its so hard tofind a job using my degree where i live, So all i get from my parents is pressue after pressure on trying to find a real job, cos my jobs isnt real according to them – not like i ont pay taxes or money goes into my back each month and oh these wages are enabling me to buy a house withmy bf,it was pressure after pressure all the way through childhood when it to school. jeeze i remeber getting a d at science gcse and crying because i knew my mum would go mad at me, she made the school get my papers remarked just to double check ( thankgod they did cos that had under marked me) and when i failed some as levels i had no say in the matter and the fact i was struggling in school and in life in general, my mum made me retake them. i guess a lot of parents are like that and well im gunna leave it to further blogs to talk more about my parents… dont get me wrong i love my parents and im so close to my dad….but well my doctor says a lot of issues in my life which has led to depression comes from them and the fact i have no support. my cousin committed suicide due to depression and they believed it was a silly excuse to get our of lifes problems, my cousin suffers from depression and schizorenic tendencies…oh he's just making it up etc etc you get the point. i have no hope in hell trying to speak to my parents about how i feel and what im going through…
its not like i havent tried… i remeber arguements after arguements and crying from myself trying to tell my mum how i felt but she just wouldnt listern….my doctor understands that i come from a family where its not possible to open up too so thus i suffer a lack of support from them… the only people who know is my bf and a few select friends….and i guess im luckily ive spent years not knowing what was going on in my head…episodes of extreme lowness the suddenly brighter days to sudden lowness. However lately a few friends of mine have experienced the same symptoms and ive actually been able to speak to them about how i feel…some are on medications others are being counsellord…but it acutally feels nice to talk to someone other than my bf…i love my boyfriend so much icant express in words…but i can see the pity, frustration, anger, love, hurt in his eyes everytime i get a low period….i mean im cryin my eyes non stop for 45-60mins at a time for no reason and he just doesnt get why…i mean hes very understanding and supportive but he doesnt know exactly what im going through so its hard for him to lie there and not know what to say to me to help me feel better.
anway this blog is becoming huge, i only meant to do a quick blog to start up but got carried away…i guess the reason im here is i applied for a job today as a assistant mental health recovery worker for rethink charity…and after reading through their website i realised that maybe setting up a blog would help me sort through my emotions and thoughts by writing them down…i get myself worked up into such a state because i feel i cant express how i feel and take it out on my bf when i get worked up….i mean even if noone reads it, if it just helps me that small bit in my road to recovery then ill be happy 🙂