Its been really, just too bloody hot today. I’ve been on the verge of going totally unclothed and Livvies been in just her nappie. The sweats just been pouring off us both. We’ve spent most of today in her bedroom, which is luckily for her, the coolest room in the entire house. Also another excuse too stay away from him. He’s out right now so I’m hurridly getting all this out.

She’s been reasonably well behaived so far today – I’ve coped with all the tantrums alone (and I didn’t feel like I was loosing control like I usually do – where he storms in shouting when Livvie is having a screaming fit.) Feel a little better for today actually. As long as we’re both in bed by the time he gets back, today will have been a success.

I need to buy an electric fan for Livvie but with him spending £40 a week (out of my money, which is only roughly £160 a week!) on his addiction it leaves me and Livvie with sod all. I’ll just have to get into more debt. Another £30-odd ontop of the hundreds that I owe due to him, wont make much of a difference. He’s financially crippled me already, I might aswel be the one that forces the final nails into my "credit" coffin – he wont have the satisfaction that way at least.

One thing that has been playing on my mind alot today is the thought that had I left him the first time he treated me badly, I might have been in an entierly different place in my life now – I could have fulfilled my dream of doing voluntery work abroad. I knowingly gave up the hope of EVER being able to do that when I found out I was pregnant. But he never gave anything up… It sounds so petty but he has the freedom too just sod off for hours on end with no resposiblity for his daughters. He can go off and see his mates whenever he feels like it.. I can’t remember the last time I see any of my friends when I didn’t have Livvie with me. Christ I’m not even allowed my friends around to my house, he throws a major wobbler if I try to arrange someone coming round for dinner.

I’m well aware that he is the stem of the majority of my problems. Its difficult to explain (even too myself sometimes) how it is that he hurts me so much.. The only way that I can see it is that HE will do something wrong – something that almost everyone (even he) would consider to be pretty low/immorral. Then he will manage to make me out to be the bad guy – almost like I have to feel bad for his "mistakes."  He was abused as a child, he told me not long after we first met, but he’s moved on from talking about it all teary eyed too using it too defend his behaviour. I must sound like a real heartless bitch but I’ve tried, soo much, to help him. I offered to go with him to speak to a doctor ( this was after the police had to take me and Livvie away from him.) But he seemed to expect me to make the appointment for him and drag him there.

I know what I’ve got too do. Not only for my own sanity but for my daughters wellbeing. I have to leave him – its easier said than done. I just wish I had the strength to do it and litterally chuck him out (because realistically that’s what it’ll take.)


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