after taking my foot off the pedal, jobhunt wise i decided its time to start looking again – forgot how stressful and soul destroying it can be! currently my only real option is to go back to working in retail, something i promised myself i wouldnt do. the feeling of failure and giving-in while being told to restack a shelf for the hundreth time is something im really dreading going back to. i am getting nowhere fast looking for a graduate design job and cant stand being unemployed and all the stigma that goes with it, also the judgements that people make, which admittedly cant be any worse than the things i think about myself but there you go! tomorrow i go round shops handing out my cv, oh joy 4years of uni put to good use.
and while im moaning – i have lost the weight i wanted to because i was ill with the flu and stress and things, but inevitably its not enough! now i want to lose another 6lbs, so i have started obsessing about what i eat now – great!!! sometimes i have no appetite anyway so its ok but sometimes i dont allow myself to eat and i know that is a rocky road to go down, more problems is not what i need! i know what this is all about, its no concidence that there is the potential for a new boyfriend on the horizon and so the old demons that came from my ex – have resurfaced. the thought of another man looking at my body the way it is terrifies me, but im the lightest ive been in years, whats that about, bloody annoying. will i ever be happy with myself, ive tried to work on it in counselling and with books but its the hardest thing in the world, to just like the way i look – why?!
guess who hasnt been to counselling for over a month – ill be fine tomorrow after my appointment. or at least ill put the stick down for a bit, (that i beat myself up with)!