So it's been two weeks since Ben and I officially started dating.
Things have been going amazingly well, if not moving a little fast.
I really fell for that boy, condensed as our relationship was.
And then yesterday morning we had sex. It was my first time. He was really good about it; he did the whole "Are you okay? Does it hurt? Do you want to stop?" thing.
And then we cuddled for an hour afterwards. He smiled at me and said he was happy and he loved me.
And then yesterday afternoon I went to work and shoved everything into the back of my mind.
And last night I came home from work and absolutely freaked out.
1. Ben has not yet been tested for STDs (although it's my fault; I haven't been pushing him enough about it, and he can't be blamed for wanting to avoid something unpleasant).
And worse still,
2. We used a condom… at first. And then it broke. And I told Ben we shouldn't do anything else until/unless he put on another one.. but he didn't really listen. But that was my fault, too… if I had been more serious he would have stopped, after he started going again I went along with it and didn't try to stop him again.
I told three friends about it… and pretty much all of them flipped on me.
In short, this is what they said:
1. You're an idiot, you need to be more assertive.
2. Get tested again (I had blood / urine tests taken on Monday… they're probably useless now).
3. Go get the morning after pill, Plan B (emergency contraceptive… I'm on normal birth control pills, but like they all reminded me, they're not 100%).
So I absolutely freaked out. The girl friend I told was being especially harsh…
I know how badly I screwed up. I don't need people telling me how I've potentially ruined my life, how I've disappointed them, how I'm such an idiot.
I need someone to say "It's okay, we all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world".
And then there's Ben.
I flipped on him last night. I told him we couldn't hang out until he got tested.
I really expected him to walk away at this point. Yes, he says he loves me… but actions speak louder than words, right? And there's a lot of other girls who would gladly sleep with Ben and not make him get tested for STDs…
So he had an easy out, if he was really a jerk.
But he didn't take it.
He emailed me this morning before he went to work.
He said he'll get tested sometime this weekend, that he's talking about it with his older brother (who he really respects), that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me over this.
I think the fact that he's not walking away at this point means he's at least a little bit serious about it.
I will not break up with Ben over this.
As bad as he may sound, I still believe he's a good guy.
Because when I go over to his house, we hang out with his family half the time.
And when I leave his house, he walks me to my car even though it's freezing outside and he's barefoot and half asleep.
And he says "Text me when you get home so I know you're safe."
And if I forget, he texts me and says "Are you home yet?"
When we watch movies together, he kisses my forehead and says "I love you".
And he visits me at work just to say hi.
And when he hugs me I feel safe. When I'm with him, I'm happy.
And when we're lying beside each other, with our faces barely an inch apart, I feel completely comfortable (which is saying a lot, considering I'm still dealing with the remnants of social anxiety).
I know how it looks from an outsider's perspective, but…
I still trust him.