Trying to keep my head above water.  This thing just ate a blog.  Ace told me to write them in Word first to keep that from happening, but when I do that, they languish there, unfinished.  When I spill my thoughts spontaneously like this, I may make more spelling errors and lose some blogs, but I usually get my thoughts out there.

I wasn’t ready for this most recent manic episode.  It’s hard being reminded how quickly I can lose control.  And, I do lose control.  I don’t understand myself, or why I do the things I do, sometimes.  It was at it’s worst the first couple days of the whole episode.  My mind was racing like mad, and I was so caught off guard.  It’s like watching a movie that moves to fast for you disbelief to catch up.  I am almost an observer at times, because the feelings and impulses hit me so fast, I don’t feel like I can catch my breath, or question what’s happening – nothing sane or rational even occurs to me – shit just starts to unfold before I even realize what I am doing, and by the time I do, I am usually neck deep.  I am so lucky I was able to check myself before this spiralled into me picking up some smack, and setting myself up a shot.  It was in my head like mad – thoughts about how futile this all is, and how, on a long enough timeline, I am bound to fail, so why am I making myself suffer like this?  Stupid shit…  I am so miserable.  I have plans today that I have to cancel because this health thing has rendered me unable to do much.  So tired and achy…  may have to go the doc or the hospital.  I have an appt. on the 15th but that may not be soon enough.  This could be bad – I think it is my endometriosis flaring up (it’s been chill for years), but who knows?  Could be any number of things…  

and that’s a little scary.  Now that I have been off smack for 6 months, I am starting to realize just how bad off I am – physically, psychologically.  I knew it wouldn’t all go away, when I cleaned up.  I knew the Bipolar Disorder and the PTSD and the anxiety would still be there, but I also knew the H made it way the hell worse.  I guess I was hoping for more relief than I got.  But, it has made a big difference, and the meds do help.  They don’t make it go away, but they do help.  I am trying.  Really trying…

Yesterday, someone told me that I am becoming a different person, and that has been happening since I kicked (in response to me saying I have always been bad).  This broke my heart for a couple reasons.  One being, was I that awful before?  Really?  I have been trying so hard to overcome the notion that there has always been something innately wrong with me.  Another reason it hurt is that – I know I am not that different.  No closer to being the person I am supposed to be…  I am still so lost.  Maria told me once that the person I wanted to be was still inside me – always was – that it was just hiding from all the pain, under all these layers of defensiveness and escapism – because I had been throught too much.  She used to say that, before she disappeared into her own hell.

I miss her so much.

Just rocked out with Charlie. He rocks that guitar.  I love singing.  It makes me feel a little better, and I think we sound good together.  We should.  We have had 7 years to find a rhythm.  "Isabella" is my favorite song to sing with him.  Not romantic, but it’s a good song, and I think we rock it well.


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