I'm pretty much fed up with myself at this point. I spent two hours the other night talking to my friend on the phone and he told me everything I would want to hear from a guy and he knew what to tell me when I told him how I'd been feeling and by the time I got off the phone I felt like I'd dug myself another hole. All I wanted to do was just be with my boyfriend and I really don't get it. I have feelings for my friend he's the only one who made me happy at least while it lasted and he is perfect for me. He's the only person who is so much like me and it doesn't drive me crazy. But I don't know what's wrong with me. I find myself avoiding him again and it's fucked up after we just patched shit up from the last time.

On top of all this I'm now in the negative as far as money goes. I was doing really well a few months ago saving money until I decided I wasn't going to be with my friend and then blew all my savings. My impulsive shopping has come back full force and even when I try and slow down my bills drain whatever I have left. So I keep telling myself, "Okay next pay check you won't spend anything unless you NEED it." Yeah good luck with that. I'm already in the hole before I even get my next pay check. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

My way of coping with everything is smoking pot but lately its been making me so freaking paranoid and exhausted I'm not sure its actually helping. I found out my step sister knows when I smoke, guess I'm not THAT good at hiding it but what I don't get is why she hasn't told her mother. These kids would love to see me get in trouble escpecially because their mom would go apeshit over weed being in the house. So I don't know…It puzzles me but also I just need to let shit cool down. I want to drop off the radar. I mean I could probably lie my way out of any situation that would arise here but I'm just tired of thinking shit is going on behind my back. Escpecially when it turns out…IT IS. I can't handle anything anymore. It's all building up and this house is driving me insane…it makes me sick seeing these walls and doors and couches and EVERYTHING…And as much as I love my job its not like a severly depressed person actually feels like dealing with people all the time. I dunno…I kind of just decided I want to just be okay with what I have and not try for anything more. I can't wrap my head around starting something new, even if the person is so perfect for me. I dunno even with what he told me, I don't see the point in trying anymore because it wont' pay off in the end. He said how he regrets not making choices earlier on in life and how this is his only shot because we  only live once but I'm thinking…SO WHAT?!? When we die it won't make a difference to us what we did because we'll be in the ground rotting unable to think about what we did and didn't do.

But whatever…I'm going to go do my best at not caring what people are thinking about me and relax and just lose myself for a few hours before work. Here's hoping it actually works.


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