So my boyfriend is back in the hospital after a few short weeks out. None of us expected him to return. None of expected he'd be so serious that they needed to put him in Intensive Care.

 They've drained about two litres of fluid from around his heart. Apparently this sort of fluid build-up is common after surgery… but the amount of fluid is excessive. There was a whole hell of a lot.

 They have a drainage tube in his pericardial sac, and a little bag there to catch all of the bright red fluid that comes out. If it wasn't my boyfriend, the whole thing would be very interesting to me.

 I'm worried. The heart failure team is going to go see him soon to make sure that some of the unusual activities involving his heart (not just the fluid) aren't just a symptom of the fluid build-up.

 After more than a month of worry, relief, worry, relief, and plenty of frustration in between, I don't know how much more I can take, let alone Matthew. 🙁

 Every time I think it's going to be okay, things get worse. Hope is too much to fathom right now, sadness seems as illogical as relief.

 Everything is constantly being thrown up into the air so that I don't know what to do about anything. I just don't know how I can handle this situation.

I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I'm just worried, frustrated, and I feel completely helpless. I don't know what's going on because the pace quickens and slows down so much that I'm never really with it.

 >_< God, I'm frustrated. I just want Matthew to get better. I want to go visit my family for my birthday, then I want to get a job and help us find a new house so our soon-to-be-ex-land-lord and his soon-to-be-ex-wife can sell the one we're living in currently.

 I just want things to be okay. I'm not asking for perfect. I'm not even daydreaming about perfect. I just want okay.

Please, no more stress? Please, no more worry?