Yesterday I had a conversation with my husband about how he could help me get over my depression, anger, cutting, suicide attempts etc. He said he would do anything to help me. Which is funny, because yesterday I told him exactly what he could do to help me and now he's fucking it up all over again. I have to get up in just a few hours for work, to earn money to pay for our food, our bills, his beer, and his cigarretes(he doesn't have a job). I asked him to be home by a certain time and surprise that was almost 3 hours ago.

I got so angry and there was nothing I could do but cut myself like crazy. He knows how I react when he does stuff like this, and he keeps on doing it. We have to go through another 9 months of this before he gets his residency and I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of the fights, I'm tired of the lies and repeating myself over and over for him to do nothing to change his behaviour. I'm tired of financing his alcohol and ciggarrette addiction, I'm tired of feeling like this.

There is no one I can go to because everyone thinks I'm a retard for getting married at 21. My friends left me because I got married. I want out.I want to feel like myself again. I'm tired of lying with my entire life, pretending everything is fine when it isn't. He does nothing to help me, everything I say is a funny joke to him.

There's blood all over my hands right now and I'm freaking out. I hate him so much in this moment, I regret our entire marriage and I wish I was still alone and happy.

I don't know what to do.I don't know how to get out of this.

4 Comments
  1. blisscatcher 10 years ago

    I hope you'll be fine soon, dear friend. i havent been through as much as you do, so i dont know how hurt it is, but you know ur not alone here. hugs

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  2. Aswa 10 years ago

    Hi. I just read your blog and want to offer you my virtual support.

    Feeling trapped in a bad situation has always been a trigger for me to spiral downwards. Sounds to me like something needs to change for you and fast – is there a counselling service available at the university you go to or any pastoral support services you can access as a student?

    It sounds to me like you need to talk to an objective party or medical professional, even a medical doctor about your feelings of depression and self harm.  I hope you can get some real life help and soon.

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  3. Dev 10 years ago

    That's awful. Your more important than your husband. You've worked harder and you work to pay the bills. You deserve happiness. You deserve much more than he does. I would leave him but I know that is harder than it seems. My dad is in the military and he doesn't know if he wants to finish his residency. I know how military families work and it sucks. I hope you can eventually leave him and find happiness. Hugs 🙂

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  4. lucy397 10 years ago

     Hey guys,

    Thanks so much for your kind words and support!! I've calmed down a lot since last night when I wrote this and had a talk with my husband. The reason he showed up so late was because he got stopped in the subway station by the police because he threw out his subway pass after he bought it, and they took him to the police station and did a background check. So he did something completely dumb and careless but he wasn't intentionally late to piss me off or make me miserable. Somewhere in this time I completely lost it, which has happened before. I have crazy separation anxiety when he's gone, but when he's here everything is perfectly fine. 

    Objectively he should be able to go to a bar with his friends once in a while and come home at 11 or 12, but for me, because I get up at 5 AM for work, it's not ok. It took a really long time for me to tell him the reasons for this because I have such a hard time expressing myself and justifying why I'm angry…he doesn't go out like this on a regular basis but for me, because of how angry, anxious and out of control I get when this happens it feels like every day. If this hadn't happened last night, I could say that I was having a great week and everything is fine between us. I can't take the feeling of being left alone, rejected and abandoned…so even if he shows up 30 mins later than he said he would it's the end of the world for me. If feels like one second I love him to death and the next I hate him and want to leave…even though he's never abusive or mean to me, his behaviour never changes, he always cooks my meals, cleans the house etc. He's going to start working next week which will help a lot.

    Still theres so many things he could do to make my life easier. I'm trying to get him to understand that sometimes my behaviour and thoughts aren't logical at all and he needs to be around during these times if he wants to help me get better. It's going to take effort from both of us. He definitely has lots of things to be depressed about as well….I guess the difference between him and me is that when I get angry I self harm and when he gets angry or stressed he drinks a 6 pack and smokes…and now it's gotten to the point where he can't live without it. It seems like things are changing a bit(he's out meeting with his new boss right now) but only time will tell if things will be the way I want them to be. I'm seeing a therapist through my university every week which seems to be helping me communicate my feelings more easily but I cant go on like this and something needs to change. A lot of my stress is because of debt and finances…so hopefully my husband's new job will help a bit. When he does have money he is very generous and most of the time buys me what I need before he buys things for himself. I'm so tired of feeling like this…I think I may have BPD or maybe it's just the lack of a support system and the stress that's bringing our these symptoms.

    I'm not trying to defend my husband's actions here…theres things he really needs to change or we'll never be happy together.Most days are good but the bad ones are just terrible. I guess this is why I joined this group..so I can say what I feel without sitting in front of the people who are judging me. 

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