Yesterday I had a conversation with my husband about how he could help me get over my depression, anger, cutting, suicide attempts etc. He said he would do anything to help me. Which is funny, because yesterday I told him exactly what he could do to help me and now he's fucking it up all over again. I have to get up in just a few hours for work, to earn money to pay for our food, our bills, his beer, and his cigarretes(he doesn't have a job). I asked him to be home by a certain time and surprise that was almost 3 hours ago.
I got so angry and there was nothing I could do but cut myself like crazy. He knows how I react when he does stuff like this, and he keeps on doing it. We have to go through another 9 months of this before he gets his residency and I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of the fights, I'm tired of the lies and repeating myself over and over for him to do nothing to change his behaviour. I'm tired of financing his alcohol and ciggarrette addiction, I'm tired of feeling like this.
There is no one I can go to because everyone thinks I'm a retard for getting married at 21. My friends left me because I got married. I want out.I want to feel like myself again. I'm tired of lying with my entire life, pretending everything is fine when it isn't. He does nothing to help me, everything I say is a funny joke to him.
There's blood all over my hands right now and I'm freaking out. I hate him so much in this moment, I regret our entire marriage and I wish I was still alone and happy.
I don't know what to do.I don't know how to get out of this.