Okay so this is part II of my first blog. I came here, like I said because we the same, at least this is a place to talk about being depressed! That actually excites me because on FB, no one understands.
So let's see… yeah I was drunk and had a break down. I began posting things about my ex on FB, that is the WORST. I would rather call people names like I did than talk about him. But I started doing the worst. On the news feeds talking about him and how much I love him and what a fat selfish prick he is but I still love him and our baby he didn't want etc… That is so painful and so awful and I don't even want to share it here, let alone FB. But I did and it's all out there now. Too late.
I need to talk but my brain is racing… I am a writer and can write well if I think it out, but I'm not thinking right now. I have reached rock-bottom. This is the 4th Christmas without Kyle, my ex. We never even had one. He dumped me before then.
GOD I FUCKING LOVE KYLE!!!
At least here no one knows him, right? I don't even care anymore. I am going to tell Kyle I love him and sure it won't do shit, might even upset him which I do not want, might make him laugh, which I really do not want… but I have to do it. I am so tired of keeping it all inside for years.
Facebook is traumatic. I have none of the friends I used to have in the theater when I was with Kyle, but I do have a few and shit I don't want him seeing all the shit I write. Of course I feel angry sometimes, but mostly I love him deeply. I wish I could do something for him. Something, anything! Not the sex I used to give him because I disgust him now and he's on to beautiful YOUNG girls, not old hags like me… Sigh.
But I digress. I wish I could do something for him, like make his life good in some way because I truly love him and want him to grow up to be a good person, I hope he will. I am always afraid he has become evil. He was such a good kid and the world around him is making him evil so that he can survive. It's doing that to lots of people.
I say grow up because when I was his girlfriend, Kyle was just 19. He is almost 23 now. That seems really young to me. I will explain more about that in another blog, there is so much to say about Kyle. So very much. I can write volumes. You'll love it! I'm j/k. I'm just trying to get this out because, frankly, my friends are really sick of hearing it, and writing anything else on FB now is just fool hearty. I can't go back there now. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE (that is 3 loves) to never go on FB again. But heck, aren't we all so damn addicted to that site? It's my only connection to the outside world.. I am basically a recluse, I live at home with my parents. I can't leave this house much. I look out the window and sometimes I feellike I am in Auschwitz, not because it's a bad house, but because of my illness. I feel like a fucking prisoner! I am. We all are. If we are mentally ill we have the worst disease ever, EVER!!!
You can argue that cancer is worse, FUCK NO!!! Sorry, but cancer ends. You get a way out in the end. You either die or you go on living and get better. But with depression…. it never ends. Never. Every day is like ground hog day. Only each day gets worse.