"Oh my dear confidant

(Tell me how to feel)

Tell me how to feel

(Tell me how you’ve been)"

I hope people don’t feel let down by the absence of my usual lively conversation, or my inertia.  I’m normally a touch reclusive, and it takes forever and a day for me to get myself out the door to do something.  I try to be good to people – to give back the kindness that’s been shown to me, but…  I can only give what I have to spare (in terms of time and energy) and hope that it’s sufficient.  My life is pretty packed with difficulty and complication, right now, and I need the space to deal with it all.

I am in the middle of something extremely hard, and only have a certain level of energy.  I am physically and emotionally tapped.  I hope that doesn’t upset anyone, or make them feel slighted.  I just have to take care of myself, and that’s an undertaking, right now.  I have help, on the emotional end, but I am the one who has to live it, and it’s taxing.

I guess, sometimes…  we have to be a little (or more than a little) selfish,  to save ourselves.     

"I’ve been overwhelmed

(Overwhelmed by what)

By what lies up ahead"

I try to evaluate my thoughts, and my situation, and I feel like I can’t see clearly.  I know I’m not thinking straight.  I know I am not really as lost as I feel sometimes.  I catch myself thinking the strangest things, sometimes.  And, other times my mind seems normal, until some memory sneaks up and wacks me over the head, like some mean-spirited, giddy, little troll who busts out haunting memories, to torture people.  Like, some b*tch cousin of cupid…  not his evil twin, because cupid’s twin would sow seeds of hate.

Yeah…  I’m a goofball.

And, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.  Nothing’s become clear, yet.  Nothing makes sense…  nothing I think, nothing I feel…  I really need psyche meds…  once I’m medicated, and the fog of the kick lifts…  I’ll be better.  "Better" being a pretty realtive term… 

"Till you learn to trust yourself

Put your trust in someone else."

I was lost before I started doing this.  Now, I’m just confused.  A little turned around, maybe…  but, I am moving in the right direction (and nothing’s more important – because, if I’m on smack, I don’t have anything.

I’m actually having an ancy moment, righ now – this would be a really great moment to get laid.  Hahaha…  but, since that’s not about to happen…

I’ve reclaimed a little bit of my sanity, and I’ve even grabbed onto a little happiness.  But, feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing – not knowing what’s me, and what’s mania or addictive, or depressive thinking – I rarely know I am acting nuts while I am doing it.

"  ….a fear you can’t define"

Supposed to see Jordan in a little while.  That should be nice.  We’ve been friends for so long, I always feel like I can be around him – even when I’m ill and zombie-like, or sketched out, and brooding.

"Old stars that won’t align"  (Mason Jennings, "Confidant")




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