"Oh my dear confidant
(Tell me how to feel)
Tell me how to feel
(Tell me how you’ve been)"
I hope people don’t feel let down by the absence of my usual lively conversation, or my inertia. I’m normally a touch reclusive, and it takes forever and a day for me to get myself out the door to do something. I try to be good to people – to give back the kindness that’s been shown to me, but… I can only give what I have to spare (in terms of time and energy) and hope that it’s sufficient. My life is pretty packed with difficulty and complication, right now, and I need the space to deal with it all.
I am in the middle of something extremely hard, and only have a certain level of energy. I am physically and emotionally tapped. I hope that doesn’t upset anyone, or make them feel slighted. I just have to take care of myself, and that’s an undertaking, right now. I have help, on the emotional end, but I am the one who has to live it, and it’s taxing.
I guess, sometimes… we have to be a little (or more than a little) selfish, to save ourselves.
"I’ve been overwhelmed
(Overwhelmed by what)
By what lies up ahead"
I try to evaluate my thoughts, and my situation, and I feel like I can’t see clearly. I know I’m not thinking straight. I know I am not really as lost as I feel sometimes. I catch myself thinking the strangest things, sometimes. And, other times my mind seems normal, until some memory sneaks up and wacks me over the head, like some mean-spirited, giddy, little troll who busts out haunting memories, to torture people. Like, some b*tch cousin of cupid… not his evil twin, because cupid’s twin would sow seeds of hate.
Yeah… I’m a goofball.
And, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Nothing’s become clear, yet. Nothing makes sense… nothing I think, nothing I feel… I really need psyche meds… once I’m medicated, and the fog of the kick lifts… I’ll be better. "Better" being a pretty realtive term…
"Till you learn to trust yourself
Put your trust in someone else."
I was lost before I started doing this. Now, I’m just confused. A little turned around, maybe… but, I am moving in the right direction (and nothing’s more important – because, if I’m on smack, I don’t have anything.
I’m actually having an ancy moment, righ now – this would be a really great moment to get laid. Hahaha… but, since that’s not about to happen…
I’ve reclaimed a little bit of my sanity, and I’ve even grabbed onto a little happiness. But, feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing – not knowing what’s me, and what’s mania or addictive, or depressive thinking – I rarely know I am acting nuts while I am doing it.
" ….a fear you can’t define"
Supposed to see Jordan in a little while. That should be nice. We’ve been friends for so long, I always feel like I can be around him – even when I’m ill and zombie-like, or sketched out, and brooding.
"Old stars that won’t align" (Mason Jennings, "Confidant")