Well…. in my profile i mentioned something about how my ocd is a lil too complex to limit it to just one thing… …. lets see… i’ve had… for a long time..but hasnt happened recently that whole tv show thing…. /audience too… i read thats some kind of psycho/neuerotic…some kind of syptom…not saying im any of those things..but yea..to me its just like your minds way of distracting you and removing you from reality.. so it was sorta like..everything in my life..and everything i did.. was like a t.v. show…. just had everyone watching and everything so hard to explain cause i have trouble articulating and describing things sometimes because i have a lot of mental blocks. for many different reasons. But discovering that they are just that mental blocks is actually a relief. BEcause for so many years i was absolutely convinced that i could not do…_________ you fill in the blank… and my mind has probably convinced me that i cant do it. in turn… it actually happens in real life..once my depression was so severe… whatever you wanna call it… that my mind.. had me convinced that i could not open doors…. etc… (nothing to do with contamination fears) but more like.. my mind just freezing me. because it paralyzes me into beleiving that i am going to fail … at anything and evertyhing i try to accomplish..so its a constant war..but now that i am beginning to see how the recording playing in my head isnt always right..im fighing it a lot harder. It;s so hard to explain but… believe me i could be here forever breaking things down n what not… lets just give you an example..a couple of weeks ago.. a girl at my job had her hand out with a empty stapler right…soo aututomatically my mind tells me how im going to mess up putting the staples in.. im gonna fuck it all up and look like a moron and shes going to see how incompetent i am etc..all this is racing through my mind..so in turn..what happens?? yea i finally get it in there but after like a struggle and a blunder becasue the war in my mind that very moment was a fierce one. This is on a cnostant basis the rapid thoughts etc… i could phsyically do nothing at all for an entire night but quite possibly never have a BORING time because my mind races at incredible speeds. its a bit draining sometimes. even sleeping i have that half ass sleep when your still half awake and ur just thinking thinking thinking your last hour of “sleep” away. anyhow.. i totally went off topic as to what i wanted to write about but ill save that for another day… peace.

3 Comments
  1. cari 14 years ago

    I’m glad you are starting to see that they are mental blocks that can be overcome. You are such an awesome person with so much to offer! Keep up the fight! I hope you continue to have breakthroughs and find relief and the peace that you need.

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  2. mrsbadcrumble 14 years ago

    I KIND of know what you mean. Only I get so wrapped up in HOW I have to do things in order to please the OCD gods (so to speak haha) that I end up doing stupid shit sometimes, and messing up. And I know that is extremely frustrating so I kinda see where you are coming from. Now if only you had a “hammer” to smash those mental blocks to pieces…….

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  3. mattbenjamin50 14 years ago

    I can certainly understand your point. I to habe many thoughts going through my head. But i have sort of been dealing with it like this. You ever play the game pixie sticks. where you take a tube of plastic wands and toss them on the floor. then you have to pick them out with out diturbing the others. To me that is the way to deal with ocd. You have to sort of take a slow trip in your history and start tieing up loss ends, maybe talk to some of the people you may have effected. I decided to write a long series of books to tell the world my story, but it is a deep person story, that will go through many layers of ocd. I find music to be a good thing to settle the mind. Loud music especially, sometimes a good film. it sort of hraminizes my mind and i can concetrate on the music and not my thoughts. Kind of like dreamescaping to the lyrics of the song or plot to the movie. Many times i end up falling a sleep. I feel sometimes i am in this huge movie that the gods are watching. Thay can not interfere in my freewill, but they can cause other people around me to do things to piss me off. Also cause objects to delay my efforts, which when you think back on it, is kind of funny, but many times its notr funny at the moment. I end up destroying things sometimes or really messing things up.

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