Is anyone out there scared of the concept of "forever"? I did not think twice about "forever" when I made the decision to get married. I am excited by the concept of forever now that I am married to the most wonderful person in the world. But I am terrified by the concept of being depressed forever.

Hi, I am new to DT. This is my first blog to tell the short version of my story. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Middle school, high school, college, adulthood. I tried medication in high school and decided it was not for me. I entered therapy a second time in college and found it very helpful but I was not in a stable environment to really expore the root of my problems. Then,I had the best experience of my life: meeting my husband, falling in love, and eventually getting married. There was still depression during this time, but nothing could get me down. As life is settling back down, I find myself being pulled back down to the hole that all of us try to avoid. I realized I have turned my back on my problems for my entire life, hoping things would get better. In the past, there were always aspects of my life that I wanted to change, and I thought would make me happy. Now I know, I was just running from the depression, thinking I could cure myself of it by getting a new job, or moving into a new house. Now, I have a wonderful, lovinghusband, beautifulhome, a great job, and I am still depressed. There is not one aspect of my life that I want to change right now, and I realize that I need to change me. I need to focus on me, get to the root of the problem.

I made the decision to re-enter therapy and just had my second session last night. I am scared out of my mind. It is already so difficult, so confusing, so tiring, and my depression has increased tenfold practically overnight. So, here I find myself reaching out to all of you for support on this journey. I feel isolated, I don't want to dump these problems on my family or friends. But mostly, I can't even talk about it without crying, and people look at me like I'm insane and need to be committed. Or they pity me, which is also something I don't want.

Anyone out there have a similar experience? Share your stories with me! Check out my profile (it's a work in progress), add me as a friend. I hope to get to know all of you better in the near future.

Thanks for listening, please leave me your comments!

2 Comments
  1. PrincessBooballaPuke 10 years ago

    I can relate a lot with how overwhelmed you must feel right now.  I've had bouts of depression off and on since puberty.  I had a wonderful therapist in high school who helped me recover to the point where I started college, earned a degree and landed a full-time job.  And then my dad died, my mom went all nutty on me, and, in the midst of a stressful job, the worst bout I've had before or since hit me after I had my son.  Nothing like the hormone imbalance of the post-partum period to trigger a massive relapse! 

    Therapy scared me to no end.  I was convinced I was being spied on by my employer.  So, I didn't talk to my therapist about what was really going on.  I came here.  (Funny – I'm less protected here legally, but feel safer here emotionally.)

    Anyway, I was so worried and anxious that I was "crazy" and would be "found out" and kicked-out (from my job, from my friends, from my marriage) that I gave myself a nice little anxiety-ridden break-down.

    The first huge step I had to take on my path to recover was to *accept* that I have depression.  No excuses.  No blame.  I was born with depression.  That's not easy to do – it's counterintuitive.  Moods aren't something you're supposed to have no control over.  "They" say so.  ("They" being the proverbial people who give us the ideas of what "normal" is.)  I had decades of jokes and put-downs about being too sensitive, being a cry-baby, etc. that I was now trying to embrace and own.  Not to mention that I had an incident at my former employer that haunts me to this day which had a direct affect on my interpretation of my illness (before my recovery path, that is).  My dad had died and my poor boss was nice enough to offer to represent my mom and hanlde my dad's estate case FOR FREE.  But, after a week or so, I learned she'd already signed a retainer agreement with another attorney WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE.  My boss then had to tell my mom that he could no longer represent her because she'd already signed a retainer agreement with another attorney.  Mom called him later that night and left several crazy-ranty voice mails accusing him of discriminating against her because of her illness and that he has no right to terminate his representation because she is firing him, and then she finally yelled (yes, yelled) that I have the same problems she does so he'd better get rid of me too, etc.  My MOTHER said this to MY BOSS!  Haunts me still to this day – accepting that I have depression meant I had to come to terms with my "nutso" mother – who had since died, by the way, which was almost more of a blessing for me, really. 

    Anyway, eventually I took that huge first step.  I accepted that some forms of depression (including mine) are medical conditions and they are a lot like diabetes in that you can be born with a chemical imbalance that makes you feel yucky, but you can take medication to make you feel better.  It's like I had to explain depression to a child – only I was the child.  I still have MAJOR issues with my mother but, ultimately, I've had to forgive her and accept that, as with any medical condition, if you don't get treatment (like my mother didn't), you will get sicker (as my mother did).

    I hope you've found something in this LOOOONG response that makes you feel less alone.  If nothing else, I hope you've found an outlet in which you can express those feelings you don't feel comfortable expressing with friends/family.  Welcome to DT!

     

     

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  2. Confusion 10 years ago

    Thanks for the great comment Princess!  I think my major fear is becoming someone like your mother.  I think my own mother stuggled with some issues but always saw herself as "stronger" than that, so she never faced them and continued assuming she was a strong strong woman.  Which she is, but she took a lot out on me and my sister.  We both were verbally broken down so many times that we are both very fragile adults! 

    But now I am in a wonderful, stable point in my life that I want to try to conquer some of these things that I have been ignoring.  I knew it would be hard, I knew it would be painful, but after that second session earlier this week, I was just so upset.  I was thinking, "What have I done? What a stupid idea to try to do this now!  I have too much going on with work, etc., and one session will derail me for several days!"  But I guess that is what it's all about!  I started feeling better last night, my husband really knows how to get me out of my own head and back into reality! 

     

    Thanks again for reading my first blog and leaving such a great comment.  I love hearing from other people, that's why I'm here!  I look forward to talking with you in the future!  Have a good Friday and a great weekend!

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