I just wanted to share the following:
am i a failure? I feel like one. I feel like one because i am setting my goals too high, so they are impossible and so i will never be able to reach them. I then feel nervous because i cant reach my goal and ignore the preparation for the task ahead that I have set my goal too high to do. I then feel worse, because i know i am going to fail anyway because i haven’t left enough time for me to do my best at the task ahead. I then fail. This is a self fulfilling prophecy. I make sure that I cannot succeed. I make sure that I fail. I make sure that I am a failure, so I am right. I do not give myself credit, and believe in myself. I do not recognise real personal strengths and limitations, and I do not set realistic goals. I set fail-posts, not goal-posts. So I can mark my life in terms of failures, not a series of successions. i do this, because it was done to me as a child and I know no different. I do this because no-one loved and supported me and helped me do the right things – no one helped me set realistic targets, no one helped me realise my limits and prepare for them. Everyone just put me down and set me up to fail, telling me my best wasn’t good enough – so nothing ever will be. Every time i was asked where the other x% was to 100% told me i wasnt good enough, every time i was disowned for not getting an A grade, every time i was reminded i wasn’t highest in the class and therefore i was a disappointment, made me the person i am today. someone who cannot set real targets, someone who cannot self-support, someone who can believe in themselves, someone who thinks they will never be good enough. It doenst matter if they did it to push me, and make me aim higher, it doesnt matter if it was done with good intentions. It made me neurotic, anxious, depressed and a mess who can’t function. Every time i let them down, they let me down. A parent should be proud no matter what, and they can support you to aim higher without breaking your spirit down and crushing you up inside. you should always know that you are loved no matter what, that you come first, and that they will always be there for you. I hope if I am lucky enough to have a child, that I will always make them know, each and every day that i truly and deeply love them for who they are. That i will always be there for them, that they can always turn to me for anything, and I will always be in their corner, fighting for them, and encouraging them. That no matter what the problem is, I will try my best for them. am I a failure? no i am not. I am misguided and lost. Hurt and neglected. Abused and emotionally abandoned. I am NOT the failure. the only person to blame – the parents. They failed as parents – in their primary role as a parent to love and support, protect and care. they may have raised me well in many other manners, but just as they would place the blame for my depression at my door, it follows that it is not their doing that I am the success I am for being so well turned out – it is mine for surviving them. In truth, they did a good job in some respects, which gave me some of the positive characteristics I have and have made me resilient to many of the problems I have faced. But they are also to blame for the many problems I have faced, and for depression and lack of confidence i have. They cannot blame anyone else for that – only themselves. Whilst no parent is perfect, they could have done a far better job not to kill my confidence and belittle me at every turn – at least once they could have supported me because of me – not to pat themselves on the back for doing such a great job of parenting.