No matter how hard i try to forget my father i just cannot. Wether its the fact that hes my father or its about all the stuff i went through with him im not sure. But sometimes i wish i just never knew him. I would have much rather saved myself from all the pain than to have been put through all of it. And even though ive gone through it all that wasnt the worse part of it all. The worst part of it all is how things turned out. All of this confusion and not being about to get over it all is what hurts the most. Everytime i start to get better he does something that brings me back into reality and its like im going two steps back. I cant win. No matter what i do i just cant win when it comes to him. I havent talked to him in about 2 years and hes still in my life no matter how hard i try to keep him out of him. Hes just trouble. And even though my brain tells me that it wasnt my falt that things ended up the way they did my heart tells me otherwise. I feel like everything that happened between us was completly my falt. All of it. And because of my mixed feelings twords everything im broken. I dont know how to feel about anything anymore. When im happy i question it and try to ride it out but then something remindes me of him. And my world comes crashing down. I guess in the end i just feel guilty. Because i cannot explain in words how much i didnt want things to turn out like this. I guess the reason why it hurts as much as it does is because it was such a suprise. It was so left feld that i didnt see it comming. And it hurts because i was the only person that stood up for him when everyone was bashing him. And i see now why they did what they did but still i have this enormous heart and as much as my boyfriend tells me its a good thing i have to say i disagree. I put all my heart and soul in everything i do. With my friendships, my family, and my work. When i say everything i litterally mean everything. And it usually doesnt turn out well. Friends betray me or use me and i just continue. Some may say that it just means my will is strong but i see it as weakness. I need help so bad it hurts. I need to sit down with someone one on one and talk to them about all the shit ive been through from when i was a child to the present. Because ive had a hard time ever sence i came out of my mother. But for now this is all i can do. I dont believe in any god because i wasnt raised to and no matter how hard i try i just cant. So ive given up on that and im just trying to ride life out but its so damn hard. The only thing i can do is talk to people on the internet until i can find a better solution.