Well around 11 yrs. ago I had a brain concussion that has forever changed my life and who I am and I struggle with wondering how I'm going to support myself now that my partner abandoned me, let alone the depression of my situation. I can no longer multi task, I lost my vocabulary and sound like way southern,I speak in broken words, sometimesI have trouble with the wierdests things, stress makes everything worse. I have been so angry and I'm very tired but not in the sense of what you might think, my profile tells some of my story but only part of it, i am of course poverty stricken, but I've also had my belongings stolen from me by the ppl I had been friends with for yrs., there daughter and I were like mom and daughter, she was killed and It happened while Legh was sick and right after his dad passed away I took care of Legh through his dissection of the cortorid artery in the brain, non operable, then 6 months into his recovery his dad died I took that on as well, as Legh could not travel out of state soI planned a memeorial service and reunited him with his family in whichI had never meet for the whole time we were together, then the phone rang it was my bestfriends there daughter had been killed was there for them to all the way from the moment it happened to taking on taking care of her mom who had to have surgery, so I had been taking care of Legh for 6 months already, then his dad passed away took care of that and his family, never losing site of Legh's safety, then what 2 weeks later Shay was killed, then I took Legh with the nureo teams permissin to Diane and Kieths home to help care for Diane after her surgery, then Legh and I went back home this was in Oct., then Nov. came and Legh was able to travel to visit with his sister to grieve for his dad I stayed behind to prepare for winter, chop wood, try to figure out hpw to survive, he never came home, He left me in the NC mts., with no car , no money, as we had no income while he was sick except for freinds and business donations, I had no wood, no food in the house, it was snowing, sooo cooolddd ! I went from so busy I couldn't breath to complete silence, I died over and over again in my mind,I was numb and at deaths door from the shock, grief, cold, sorrow, sadness, and despair, my mind was spent,I was exhasted,I couldn't think, sleep, function, I wanted to die, but the worst was yet to come and now is what my days have become, unpromising, uneventful,long, painful,boring, so sadd, ugly, like a diesease rotting me, myself away slowly but radically til I'll no longer reconize myself, I'm dying but still breathing, my pain goes deep, my needs grow with each passing moment,nothings changed in 1 hole yr., the seasons come and go, I'm inside looking outside, when in fact I should be outside looking inside.There is no life for me and no death either, caught, caught in some in between place……..there's still more to my story as I was betrayed by so many ppl i just can't see through my tears………caught in between…….

1 Comment
  1. fschubart 10 years ago

     Kind of described where I'm at, except I'm not poverty stricken. I don't have alot anymore compared to what I used to have. I used to have alot, but even then it got to the point that it didn't matter. It got to the point that I didn't even have me anymore. I started doing things that I didn't seem to have control over doing. Like you said, I was on the inside looking out and watching this, but it was me that was doing these things. I never did anything to hurt anyone, just myself. It ended with me catatonic in the state psychiatric unit in Raleigh with no clothes or belongings. After I was to the point where I had the ability to speak again, I was released to a state medical prison facility to finish out my term. It was horrible. I won't go into the details. I was on so many drugs at the time, it didn't matter anyway. Here I am trying to pick up the pieces, but it's just me now, and it is difficult. It doesn't matter how sorry I am to anyone, and I guess not to me either. I don't forgive myself for things I really didn't have control over. People remember me though for the good things I've done and come up to me all the time not even knowing anything about me past and it's like they're talking to someone who died long ago, like it was a different person. I'm not the same person anymore and I don't know how to deal with that. I'm hoping to get this nice corporate job this week, but I think my past is going to keep me from getting the position. I now have enough fines to pay to where basically I'm paying rent on me. Other than that, I have nothing else to pay for. I just want to be me again, but it's so hard. How could I do so much destruction in such a short amount of time and it take so long to fix? I know our situations are different, but it is like being caught between life and death, like it's some kind of place in between. I do understand hon and if you ever need to talk, drop me a line……….

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