Some days just don’t feel right. Nothing has changed and I am doing what I am suppose to be doing but I have an extra hard time getting out of bed and I can’t control my feelings.
Verbally and physically I am doing alright. It’s just mentally I feel like crying.
I’m saying my affirmations and telling myself that I am on track with life but I still feel depressed and a bit anxious.
Depression comes from a feeling of loss. I know this is from thoughts of CT. The feeling of anxiety also comes from me thinking of her and what will happen between us when we finally talk. She is home from school next week and she should be calling me any day. We text every few days but she has been extremely busy and I have been giving her space. I have been so much better than before when we were together. I have not stressed her out at all during her finals. I care deeply about her and I want her to be happy and successful. She is dating someone else but it sounded as if the relationship would die out after this semester because she is going abroad next semester and he graduates next year. I don’t know the details of their relationship, I just know it hurts me to think about it. I understand she needs to do this. I just am unclear where we stand when I get back to Washington and she gets back from London.
I must start my life a new. This time in California is to relax from the stress of my life before I was hospitalized. It is to grow mentally and physically. I am creating new hobbies and learning. I am finding out that I can be happy. I am finding out what I want out of life. Soon the stress will build again and I must be prepared by having figured out what path I want to take. What career path and what relationship path. The main thing I wish to accomplish is to be ok alone but so far this is not possible all the time. Many times a week I feel extreme loss and I feel so alone. I don’t want to keep it inside but I also don’t want to dwell on it.
That is all I should say for now. I’m going to take my last final. Maybe that will relieve some anxiety when it is finally finished.