I feel so fricken confused, empty, tired. My mood has been up and down and up and down. its so hard to feel anything happy anything good. I started talking normally with my gf, because the past few weeks iv been so down that i wasnt able to have any type of conversation with anyone with out breaking into tears, but the past 3 days I was able to hold my own ground in a conversation with my gf and now im back to not wanting any type of human contact any type of anything to deal with. I just dont know what is going on. I think i feel this way because when i was better we would talk and she kept me company but then she got busy today and couldnt be there for me so there was nothing distracting me from what im feeling. So i sank back down in to my fricken hole in my head where bad things grow. things that come into my head are so stupid, im so tired of this life im so tired of everything that i feel, there is no change in pace, and i dont even want to feel happy again because i know that it is just going to go away and ill feel like shit again. So when I feel good i dont read much into it because i know that in a few days, few hours i can feel like shit again. I went for a walk today with my dog it was interesting, it was uncomfortable, it was scary, it was nice to have the wind blowing, i felt like people were watching me, looking at me, critiquing me or something. I forgot my phone at home so i turned around and came back home because I was scared that if something happend to me and i didnt have my phone then idk what would happen. its so stupid how i want life to end but im scared of death… maybe i dont want life to end maybe i want this depression to end and i want to feel good and not think the things i think and beable to function in the real world. I feel like shit, this knot in my throat keeps coming up. I feel alone by myself… I drove a little further today than i usually do I did good. Made it home safely but got all fucked in the head while driving. On my walk today I noticed the wind on my face and the mountains looked different. I wanted it to last. I wanted it to last and last. I want something to change in my life. I want the depression and anxiety to end. I want it to all go away. I want it to all go away. I want it to all go away. I don twant to feel like this anymore. I want to change and i have to take the first steps, fuck this depression! Its so fricken fun to have depression its a huge boo boo that no one can see or help you with. its like having a broken arm and the dr’s tell you, you dont have a broken arm, you can go back to doing the things that you have been doing. Maybe one day all the depression will just go away and never come back. I want to be a confident person, when i was younger I was confident. I used to dance, do concerts, i loved to perform and now im not happy with myself at all. I am hurt by my past and the way that i acted. I hate the way that the past hangs over my head and im stuck in my head while im here at home alone and by myself. I went to my grandmas today and i feel bad for not smiling when i was there, i didnt want to be there but she asked for my help and i coudnt tell her no. It was just to hard. I was there for like 3 mins then when i got what she wanted me to do i left. She gave me such a big hug that made me want to break down and cry and i cut my hug short so i could just leave and go home. If i were to cry i dont thinkt aht she would have understood me. I came home and i tried to do what she wanted me to do but I cant do it yet. I cant do anything yet. Just yesterday i had some feelings of hope . i was feeling good, I was feeling better, I was thinking about the future and where iw ant to work and how to go back to school how i want to take piano lessons but now i feel so hopeless like i will never get to do thoes things. it has been too long that i feel like this and i dont know what to do any more. My mom wants me to stay on the sam-e but i think its time that i do the meds thing again. I was on the zoloft, it didnt work, so i went to my dr and told him so he perscirbed me celexa and i read the side effects and im scared to take it because I’d be doing it by myself and my mom prob wont approve of it or help me out on it and if i get side effects it would just piss me off even more and prob make me feel more like shit. so I tried the Sam-e the natual mood enhancer and its been about 3 weeks that i have been on it. the first two weeks i was on one tab once a day and that didnt work at all so now im on two tab a day and i think its working sometimes but i think that I might just have to up it in a bout a week. Sometimes i lose my train of thought and i dont remeber what i was thinking about. I just want htis life to end. I cant believe that this depression controls my life. I really cant get a grip right now. I cant call my therapist cuz im so down the drain right now, and even if i did make an appoitment I couldnt drive myself down to her office. Everytime i drive I just want to ram my car full speed at something and get into a horrific car accident and kill myself and when im not in a car i think of ways that i can hang myself. I could never go through with it. Its just fucking scary that i think about  it or plan it or act it out in my head. Seeing my lifeless body hanging there arms at my side face pale, lips blue idk its all fucked up in my head and i cant tell anyone because they wouldnt know what to say to me i wouldnt even know what to say to me. its like when you have depression people tell you stuff but its hard to hear. Yesterday I was trying different things. I had a break down yesterdday morning, i did some tapping on my meridians and some positive thinking and maybe thats y I did ok yesterday? it didnt last long. I odnt thinkt hat there is anything that can help with depression. I a theory that its survival of the fittest. like in the happening. its an unexplainable act of nature that there is no explanation for. idk stupid i know but its a little comforting sometimes. I dont know. this damn thing in my throat just wont go away. I dont want to stop writing because then i wouldnt know what to do after i stop writing. I dont want to watch tv any more there is nothing on that intersts me. im not intersted in playing games right now, my sister and her kids are over and my mom is washing the dishes… its a friday night a normal not depressed not suicidal or person with anxiety would be doing something other than writing all this fucked up shit online because she has no one else to tell her feelings to or be with. Its so fucked up that I cant do the things that ifeel i should be doing at the age of 21. I just want this life to end. i want this depression to end. I wish that i never had depression. sometimes at night i find myself wishing so hard to go back to the beggining to make things change for the better when i get older that maybe i would never be like this. I want a fucking life. My life consists of waking up feeling like shit, maybe eat something, deal with my stomache pains and firuger out why i get them, take my meds, watch tv and wait for the day to end. there is no ups. Just such fucking damn downs! I dont know who i can talk to because they prob be so fed up with my attitude that they would leave 15 mins into talking to me. I HATE DEPRESSION!

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