So today I’ve felt more depressed than ever. I went to therapy today and that brought up some stuff that I typically get upset about. So while the session was helpful, I was left with kind of a depressed feeling afterwards, if that makes sense.
I talked with my supervisor today about how I’ve been feeling. I work in mental health so I knew she would be understanding. And she was. I told her how stressed out I’ve been feeling at work lately (and it has been stressful lately). She really didn’t have any answers for me but it was nice to have someone to talk to anyway. I also talked to my psychiatrist today and he suggested that I do an intermittant FMLA, meaning I can take off work as needed without penalty. I don’t know if I want to do that right now but it’s something I’m going to talk to my supervisor about tomorrow and see what she says.
I’m just at a loss and feeling hopeless right now. I want to get better and it seems for all the things I’m trying to do to help myself, nothing is working. I had more suicidal thoughts today. Like I said before, I have no intention of acting on them, but they scare me nonetheless. I don’t want to be hospitalized, nor do I think it would really help me. I’ve been in day treatment before and that was helpful but I can’t afford to do that again (I just did it over the summer).
I burst into tears in front of my father today. I love him so much, but he does not understand where I’m coming from. I spilled everything that’s been bothering me – work, school, my failing marriage, etc. I know he wants to help but doesn’t know how. I wish I knew how to help me right now. Like I said I feel so hopeless and so lost.