Songs are stuck in my head but not in the way that they are annoying but they take up space where things should be. Placeholder. 0s in a place where there is nothing but is it really nothing if there are zero's there? KILL ME! It repeats! Over and over! All that I want is gone and dead and life is not worth living. That's right, I remembered. Nothing is worth living over. Nothing is worth living over.NOTHING…is worth living over. But there is nothing in side of here, and i'm pointing to my chest, to make me feel that. Nothing is inside of me to the point that I can't feel what I'm feeling but there it goes againg! Is it illusion!? I can't even fucking understand what is around me. Sweet zeros fill me with something in this nothingness. I want to cut I want to bleed I want to feel wretched and humiliated and worthless but nothing will do that for me. There's nothing inside of me. Where are these thoughts even coming from?? I don't even know! Lost my train of thought. Ha! This life is a train barrelling down at five thousand miles per hour into a brick wall a millions times thick. CRASH! BANG! Blood and guts everywhere and look at all the people, staring and pointing and going, "who'd a thunk, that train. THAT train that has be barrelling down on that fucking wall would have acutally hit it!"BANG! BANG! Blood and guts and kanji everywhere. I've been looking at the wall and I'm telling you, boy, I want to hit that god damned wall. I want my head to impact with the window, my brain forced to the front my skull where it impacts and this splatters like gelatin against bone and glass and just be so completely fucked up that it is over. Okay wall, I'm bracing myself. Where's that impact!? COME ON! COME AT ME! HIT ME! But not matter how close I get to that god damned wall it keeps moving back and back but I'm speeding up. I'mma hit it one day! BOOM! GOD I CAN"T STAND THIS EXISTENCE! BUT THERE IS NOTHING INSIDE OF ME TO COMPLETE THE CIRCUIT! I'm full of potential energy, full of potential suicide, full of potential wrap me up and throw me over a bridge. God, I'm going crazy, in my mind, I know it but THERE IT IS AGAIN! This must be illusion. Maybe…maybe it's not real maybe I don't really have feelings and these are just ghosts that are repeating because like the music there is nothing there. That's it…. my emotions are in fact dead and gone but what I'm doing is mimicking life reactions. HA! It's brilliant and so fucking simple! I'm DEAD! I'm dead and I'm just going through the motions…..I've hit the wall and in fact… something just needs to kill my body so that my mind will stop mimicking…I don't exist. I'm not a real human being…I'm an illusion which is why I don't know that I don't exist… Maybe I'm just reliving something… So maybe I just have to patiently wait to die…. This sounds true….this sounds like it could be the real thing. EUREKA! I am an illusion… I'm just watching the world collapse around me. Okay, I get it. I got it. THE WALL HAS HIT! I wonder….

How will I die?


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