I am getting so angry with myself! Y do I keep getting these urges like my boyfriend sed the only thing that is really making me feel the way that I do is my shit job situation. N yes there is an easy solution to get out by quitting my job but thats not fair on me, Maybe that is my pride talking but at the end of the day its my place of work that has made me feel like this not me. I was happy before things were changed and before ppl started talking behind my back now I just hate the thought of having to get up to go to work let alone the thought of actually getting to my car and driving there. How pathetic does that sound suddenly feeling like this about a job that I used to love. Yes I told my manager this was how i feel but basically i got told that my feelings did not matter and that I shud not emotionally black mail her well wat does after 2years of working for u actually get u. Seriously if u moved me back u might actually hav a member of staff that is happy. Not one that finds no satisifaction in life anylonger, nothing seems to interest me, i dont wanna do anything dont even want to get out of bed most days. also constantly have the urge to cut myself up I hav my blade already and i constantly think when can i cut, where can i cut how deep, how long is gonna take to heal, is it gonna b in a noticable place. Is me doing it gonna hurt ppl yes is it gonna make my boyfriend worry, and if i keep doing it will he just leave like everyone else has done who cant understand y i do wat i do.
i keep thinking i would love to cut to my arms up with the blade feel the pain and the blood, however i cant do my arms wat if i get hot at work, or if sleeve gets rolled up accidently like during a restraint how do i explain that. Or do i just continue doing my thighs and hips like i used too. This really is not me i thought i so passed all these shitty urges and wanting to harm myself, its like i keep thinking is it really only my job making me unhappy, as i have battled from depression most of my teenage life and now i'm thinking mayb other stuff is going on too. Also i keep thinking throw the razor away get rid of them temptation but then i think if i'm really in mood to harm myself i will just find something else like i always have done. at times i feel like one of my patients at work its horrendous i am 23 years old in a loving relationship with a loving family y the hell to i feel like i feel. y do i keep bringing everyone else down a round me. I want to my old happy self and get rid of this weird shadow of myself. Coz this is not me and its affecting everything.
Monday i'm meant to hav had meeting at work but think my manager has forgotten on purpose.Also our HR person left and she was the one that sed agency staff shud not be used instead of me and therefore i shud have not have been moved. So i hav no back up on this point, also i'm not gaining anything from working on this other unit. I am not enjoying work or the patients its not fast paced enough. I just dont no wat to do i feel so helpless if i break down it will just get thrown in my face that I am not alrite i just feel so abandoned and unlistened to and at the end of the day how i feel or wat i want does not matter. the remarkable thing is i am the only 1 that wants to actually work on sed unit also bank staff are better treated than contract staff they can stay on wat eva unit they r needed. its like excuse me do i not warrant any of that. i feel so powerless and shit and kicked in the teeth.
I want to cut and make myself feel like i do matter, i do exist and that i'm not and invisible as feel mayb cutting will give me pain and remind me that i am not so invisible or need to feel so ignored.
sorry guys hope i dont bring u all down wit my shitty problems! feel like crap!