Once again, I didn't make the phone call I need to make to my doctor. Bet my doctor is going to think twice before he makes the decision to let me call him instead of having an appointment to save money. 😛
Anyway, I didn't get to bed 'til like 6:00 or 6:30 this morning. Why do I keep doing that? It's ridiculous.
Last night I got to thinking about my childhood best friends again, and started feeling depressed that we're not as close aswe used to be. I haven'teven heard from one of them in a long time. I still love her alot, but usually I don't let myself think down that line; I have a lot ofblessings in my life and I don't need to be obsessing about not being asclose to heras we used to be. But I actually started going down the road of thinking of all the things that happened in the last few years,trying to figure out where we drifted…. Ihate it when I do that!!! We're still friends; I know we'll alwayslove each other no matter what. But we both have other friends, too, and it's hard when we're not living close to each other.
Anyway…grr. Then my mind started obsessing about another friend. I've never met this friend in person. I met her online about a year ago. Over the last year we've become really good friends and we chat online almost every day. I'm probably closer to her than I've ever been to any other friend, crazy as that may sound. I've told her things I've never told anyone else. In fact, she's the only friend I've told about my OCD; I told her even before I told my family. Anyway, I have this fear that she'll get killed in combat or something before I'll ever get to meet her in person. (She enlisted in the army not long ago.) I know that's a normal fear to a certain degree, but I don't want to be afraid. I just want to live each day, thanking God for her and enjoying her friendship–whether it's for the next hundred years orjust for the next day. And I believe with my whole heart that even if we never meet here on earth, we'll know each other in heaven. But the fear will pop into my head and not go away sometimes.Now I'm having the fearthat she'll go overseas and come back with PTSD and won't talk to me about it and I won't know how to help her and it will break my heart…. Stupid obsessions! Why can't I just be happy that I've found her and be happy to be her friend no matter what happens and trust God to help us through whatever trials we face?
And I wonder, too, can I tell her that I'm having these thoughts? Would that worry her or would it help us both feel better? I don't know.
i have been down this road so many times. thinking of ya.
Night time is the worst time for us, isn't it? On average, I have read somewhere that one should be falling asleep within the first hour of laying down. (Actually, more in the 30 minute range!), and I spend nearly 2-3 hours attempting to drift off to sleep. Like you, my thoughts run wild! I think about my grandmother who passed away 3 years ago, I think about the high school friends I no longer speak with at all, and I think about my father who just got diagnosed with diabetes. Sometimes, I even cry!
It's just cause we aren't distracted at time. There's just silence and our over-actinve brain is going at the same speed it was during the day.
Being sad over losing friends is difficult, too. I find myself becoming instantly 'attached' to people. I even remember this little kid best friend I had, named Brian – who left me after first grade! I doubt I'll ever see him again. But I always wonder how people are doing in life.
Sorry to hear your minded wandered. 🙁