UGHHHH sometimes she makes me want to rip my hair out.  I'm off doing my own fucking thing…  Then she asks me what's wrong and I say I am frustrated and I want some ALONE TIME.  So she asks do you want me to turn the tv down…  No, I just want to be ALONE right now…  So I pop in Peter Skys, some music I downloaded that has no lyrics to it because it chills me out.  Then she stands in the fucking dineing room and looks at me…  WHY are you looking at me?  Do you want something?  No, I am just watching you she replied…  Well don't do that, I don't like it…  Then she stands there and bats her fucking eyes.  I ask her to stop it.  She doesn't…  Then comes in here and kisses me.  And I kiss her back and tell her I would like some alone time…  Then she leaves and comes back and asks me if I want something to eat…  No, I'm not hungry, just leave me alone, please…  Then she asks why are you being mean to me???  I ask how I am being mean to you???  She says because you are making dirty faces at me.  Well let's see I tell you I want to be left alone and you you won't leave me alone so a dirty face just may appear…  I am sorry.  Now stop talking to me please…  I am tring to think.  Too chill out…  Then she goes into the living room and stands in there and looks at me…  WHAT THE FUCK!  What am I doing???  Can someone tell me before I go crazy again…  Because I'm tring really hard to stay in one state of mind but it seems impossible when you speak your wants and needs and everyone just ignores them…  I am tring to be cool about it.  she went off to bed cring.  Did I do something wrong???  I am fucked either way, it doesn't matter.  I'll just go back to being whatever someone wants me to be…  Hell with it.  I feel like cutting my fuckign arms but I won't give into it.

And I am still pissed off about Derick looking into my fucking windows…  And  I just need to numb my feelings again, be robotic Chellie, and accept I have OCD, and take the fucking Zoloft…   But you know whats funny…  the OCD has chilled out quite a bit…  And I can stop myself and say DON'T DO THAT…

It's like I am constantly reminding myself not to do something…  or telling myself ok you have to go to work now…  But I don't want to.  So what do I have to do so you will get up and go…  It's like a fucking war inside my head.

I hate my fucking life.  It's so stupid ALL THE TIME.  I am fucked no matter what I do.  And NO BODY understands me.  They just look at me like I am scary.  I wish I could just build a rocket and go live on Mars.  😀

And now Derick is calling again…  I almost answered the phone to tell him LOOK this is why I don't want to talk to you now leave me alone.  But I don't want to be mean.  I don't know how to say it nicely….

Mmm I'm going to bed now…  So I can wake up and go clean some toilets tomorrow…  Not that I don't like my job.  I try to enjoy it, really I do…  But its like HUM I wonder if I can get the toilet bowl in the toilet from standing over here if I squeeze it hard enough…  Or I pretend I am zoo keeper…