Decided to post as a new blog to make my blogs less intimidatingly long. 🙂 I have so much to say, so many thoughts and so many realizations. So many questions….
I sat at the library reading books on OCD and anxiety orders for a few hours today. So much of it is so familiar to me through experience. Yet the more I read, the more I question if I really have OCD. I keep thinking that I'm probably making myself have the compulsions and, somehow, the obsessions.
I finally told my sister today about my suspicions that I have OCD. I had to explain some misconceptions of the disorder to her (thanks to Monk, which, ironically, is my favoriteTV show. :P). It was scary to tell her (sillily since I tell her just about everything), but it was a great relief.
She pointed out that if I'm obsessing over whether or not I have OCD, I probably do. (I had thought the same thing, but it's good to have reassurance from her.)
The more I thought about what I was reading about OCD the more confused I became–just because I was thinking too much. I have a million compulsions, but what are my real obsessions? They're harder to define. I think I've been giving into the compulsions for so long that I almost immediately jump into them rather than dwelling on my compulsions. Does that even make sense? I don't know.
Ever since I started reading up on OCD I've been paranoid that I'm making myself have the symptoms. (Why would I do that? There's not logical reason…. *rolling eyes at myself again*) Last night, I missed my kitty that I lost in May so much I wanted to scream. I started saying "I want my baby, I want my baby, I want my baby…" over and over and over and over again and I couldn't stop. I don't remember ever doing that before–not to an extent that was that obvious. Then today, at one point, I was asking myself a question in my head, and just started repeating "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know…" in my head in rapid succession. Maybe I've just picked up a new compulsion or maybe I'm just now realizing it. I have so many compulsions it seems I'm bringing more to mind every few hours–either current ones or ones I've had in the past.
I don't think I necessarily wash my hands more often than other people do–except occasionally. But I know I spend longer washing them and use more soap than other people do. I know I scrub and use more soap than necessary. Now I'm wondering if the break out I get on my hands is from this over-scrubbing. I had thought it was an allergy because the first time I ever saw something like this on my hands, I believe it was from an allergy to some kind of herb. When I moved up here to Alaska when I was fourteen, I started to think I was allergic to something in the wet wipes we were using in the car. (It was October and there were few places to stop to wash hands, so I used them a lot.) But when I think about it I remember how stressed I was. Maybe without realizing it I was over-washing my hands. And when I use the wipes now it's also during stressful times–when our pipes freeze so we have to haul water in jugs to our house….
Does it make sense that I would be so accustomed to giving into compulsion immediately to ward off the obsession that I have to think hard to even find the root of the compulsion? Does that sound like OCD?
Last night I had images jump into my head of throwing my new cat against the wall. Why would I do that? I love her. It's a bit scary. What if I'm a lunatic who would suddenly just act upon it? I think I just realized where my compulsion to hug and hug and kiss and kiss or blow kisses to my pets over and over again came from. I've had obsessive thoughts such as that jump into my head for years. I'm counter-acting them….
I've been scared before that I might be a child-molester…. Scary when your only steady job is a child-care provider. Thoughts have just popped into my head. I find no pleasure in them; they horrify me! I love those kids I care for. It breaks my heart when they're hurting. I know I would never do anything to hurt them. But it still has worried me.
For me, I guess it's a great relief to learn about OCD, that these thoughts are common, but acting upon them is not.
Anyway, as I said, so many things to think about and say…. Today it was like I was…I don't know, in this weird jittery state, kind of feeling cold and anxious, but not in a panic attack (thank God!). Seems I haven't been able to stop pulling at my hair for the last several days…. Or if I'm not doing it, in the back of my mind I'm thinking about doing it while I'm forcing myself to do something else like pet a cat.
Okay, enough writing….