But I might as well mention: I feel that when I'm compulsively washing my hands in my public dorm bathroom, being completely ignored by people is more painful than being stared at. Agree? 🙁

There's a recurring problem between my boyfriend, Greg, and I, and that problem is my past. He doesn't want to hear about it, not that I often have many nice things to say about it. A little while ago, I told him everything he asked about and more (the 'more' was because I compulsed about telling him things that I knew would bother him and hurt us both). I've done drugs, had other relationships, and drank; all of these ideas hurt him deeply, despite the fact that I'm dedicated to him completely and have ended all of these things.

His mind seems to be a torturous place where, out of the ordinary, on an otherwise average day, he will remember something I've told him about my past and obsess about it. It ruins both of us for the entire day or more. This happens relatively often. One day, we discussed the damage this dwelling and obsessing was doing to us, and it seemed to improve for a little while. Then it came back, and comes and goes frequently.

Today, an ex-boyfriend called and reminded me that it would be our 4 year anniversary if we hadn't broken up (it had been a six month relationship that ended badly for both of us; we were both sort of young). This call happened in the presence of Greg, and he was very disturbed. He tended to avoid looking at me or talking to me or even letting himself think. He went right into some internet routines, and I got to see him tremble and see the faces he made.

He won't go to a therapist with or without me. I have no idea what to do about this way that he feels. The worst part to live through is, despite all the shame and self-hate and disgust I have felt and continue to feel for my sexual past, I feel more and more blame and pain. As if I needed help hating all that I've been. I can't stress how much it hurts to feel that Greg's love for me is not unconditional. He says he forgives me, but I feel the disgust he has for me everytime this happens, and it hurts, so, so badly. I HATE MYSELF.

1 Comment
  1. raider916 12 years ago

     Sorry to hear about the trouble you are going through. On one hand you probably think you shouldn't have told him, an the other it would have been worse if he found out through someone else. He wanted to know, and you came clean with him. In his mind, he is probably imagining you in your past, and thinking the absolute worst about it, which probably causes him to react the way he does. Whatever you do, don't hate yourself for something you cannot take back. You have changed for the best and become who you are today through what you have learned through your mistakes.We all make mistakes in life, and we have no choice but to live with them. It's a learning experience, and we have followed the path of fate for reasons we do not know yet. If you don't go to counseling yet, maybe you should go and the counselour will have some answers for you. Hopefully he decide to go with you eventually and you two can work on a future together.

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