It’s so hard to be yourself. It’s so hard to know yourself. Even after being alive for so long, I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want. It’s because of what gets in the way. Of course I know what I want. But how do I know how I want it? To change, how much can I change myself before I’ve lost my true sense of me in it all. Pleasing other people because they’re uncomfortable. Letting others assume things that are untrue and having to live up to it so I don’t embarass myself. Letting it get to me so much that I start to question who I am. But can’t it all just stop? What does it take to be strong? Why do I let people controll me with puppet strings and words? Embarassment is worse than a punch in the face behind closed doors. I’d take a thousand punches just to be real. I’m simply a mirage, coming in and out of focus depending on who’s turning the dial. I am whatever you say I am, and I will mold myself to fit your fancy. I can’t be happy and make my family happy. I never will. If I do I know I have failed because it would mean that I would have to pretend. To not give in to the want to be different. What it means I don’t know. To hide and then mourn for that hidden self. I be ashamed of my body but angry that I feel I should hide it. To be confused by the desire to fit into a category I will never biologically be a part of. Floating inbetween two distinct identities, one of which only certain people can detect, the other which most think is reality. In flesh and blood, have I become a monster? Why can’t I allow myself to conform? Did I not try? Did I not wear the clothes and the mask, play the part and do the dance? I did and yet I am back to the same place. For what does this mean? How to decipher the code, the complete and utter mystery. I can’t be offended by assumtion because I serve it on a silver platter with a napkin in hand. But yet anger fills me. Embarassment engulfs and swallows me whole and I know not what I live for. So give me a reason to keep on going in this odd and frightful yet sporadically surprising direction. The forrest I walk through is thick with darkness and twisted figures. Will they help lead the way? I pray they will show me the truth…

1 Comment
  1. billdoor79 14 years ago

    Yep, the best thing to do is to do whatever you want to do the most and make decisions that you’re comfortable with. You have to spend your whole life as you so you may as well be the person you are and let other people respond to that naturally. If you find that you don’t fit in with what is apprently ‘the norm’ or with what’s ‘popular’, is that so bad???

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