Today was my brother’s grandfather’s funeral. He is my half brother and I never met his side of the family until today.

For a while, my brother and I have not been very close until today. All of his family members knew who I am since he always talks about how much he adores me, that I am the best sister he could have (besides his 4 year old sister. I thought she was 6, but I stood corrected today.)

I have never, in my lifetime, had seen him so sad and distraught. I watched him hold back his tears and finally broke down next to my mother as they went to the casket. I teared up everytime I looked at him. He’s also 26, mind you.

Near the side of the room was pictures of my brother and his grandfather over the years, plus pictures of all the other family members as well. I started to cry right afterwards. Not because of his grandfather’s death, but because of something that I had been holding in for so long.

This past year, after the death of a best friend of mine, had been very hard on me. I have had depression since Elementary school and had tried to kill myself multiple times. Almost succeeded twice to three times.

As I saw my brother crying and having a hard time today, I had realized this would be a similar reaction he would have if I was in that casket, but a little bit worse than this. I love my brother more than anything and I would die for him if I had the choice. I did not want to know my brother would be like this if things were turned around. I had to excuse myself and go outside to calm myself down, but did not help since an hour passed and I am still crying as I am writing this post.

People have been texting me, calling me and wanting to talk to me. I do NOT want to talk to anyone, nor do I want to see anyone… except for my brother, but he is still at the funeral home, maybe at his dad’s house. I do not know anymore. I always thought my brother didn’t love me as much as I loved him since we hardly talked and hung out with each other, but the way he was and how he wanted me to be by him this whole day was heartbreaking.

Even though he is 26 and male, can fight his own battles, etc., whoever hurts my brother, I will kill them and shred them to pieces.