My husband left a little bit ago, I think he needed to get away from me…
Yesterday wasn't good. He was in a bad mood and not really talking to me that much. So I tried talking with him, trying to give more affection to him, but he was kind of just checked out. I didn't think too much of it, people have bad days. He fell asleep around 10pm, I was awake so I went on the computer and went into a depression chatroom and was on there for awhile. He woke up and I talked to him but I was still on the computer…I didn't think it was a big deal. He was watching TV, I didn't know he was mad at me.
So he let out a sigh and turned over and I asked him what was wrong. He shrugged. And I asked again. Shrug. I asked if he was mad at me. Shrug. I gave it a break for a couple minutes. Tried talking to him again, asked him are you mad at me…?He said kind of. So I asked why. Then he got upset (from his voice) and said something like I don't pay attention to him, I'm always on my laptop or phone, he feels like I'm bored of him and don't want to be with him. To be honest, I wasn't completely shocked that he said that. I only go on my laptop or phone if he's on his because I'm bored or need a distraction from anxiety. But I can understand why he would feel I'm bored. I said in my last blog I've become afraid of human contact and I haven't been comfortable talking as much. We've only been married a month 1/2, things should not be like this. And I know it's my fault and I'm sorry for that…but I don't know what to do to stop being the way I am. i feel like he's going to leave me if this continues.
I told him that I wasn't bored of him, or any of those things. But at that point it was like talking to myself. He wouldn't really talk back and I didn't know what to say anymore. We were up for another 2 hours with his back turned towards me, awake, not saying anything. It felt so weird. I could of done something, like cuddled with him or hugged him, and I didn't. I was honestly too scared too. I feel horrible that I'm doing this to him. I know he doesn't understand what is going on with me and I'm probably confusing him with my actions.
He woke up this morning, didn't say anything to me, took a shower, got ready. I asked him if he was going anywhere. He said he had things he was going to do. After he was ready, he barely gave me a kiss on my cheek and said he'll be back later and left.
I don't know what to do. How can I make this better. He obviously wants more affection and attention and that's been hard for me to do but I've been trying. I really tried yesterday.
On a positive, but scary, note…I have an appointment to see a new therapist next week. And I'm going to try doing volunteer work at the YMCA this Sunday helping sell Christmas trees. We'll see how that actually goes, considering taking my dog for a walk outside gives me panic attacks.
That's all I guess…