Well i'm back in NC…we got in last night about 10pm…neither of us wanted to leave PA but we are back and its nice to be back here…in our own space…and i missed Sadie terribly…i don't want to go into too much detail right now because i don't feel like talking about it…i've been holding in a lot and i know i need to let it out but its hard….very hard…

but it was nice seeing my family and spending time wiht them…it sucked the circumstances….
the funeral was saturday…it was nice for a funeral…they did a military service too…George looked at peace and he isn't suffering anymore…its wierd saying this but he looked better than he has in months…and he looked younger…i had a hard time at the funeral

i couldn't sit in the room he was in or i'd go up to him and just stand there "petting" his hair and crying…i couldn't sit becuase i was all fidgety so i'd pace back and forth and keep going outside and smoking…i probably smoked atleast a half pack of cigs while we were there…

they didn't put us as step children in the obituary…his youngest daughter said we were all his children and to put us in as that…and my mom put rick in as my fiance…which really meant a lot to me too…

that morning mom was going through some stuff and found a baggie with his pony tail in it…he used to have long hair and they chopped it off…and mom saved it…so we took it out of the bag and it smelled like him…it was really sad…i miss him soo much and getting the reality that he's gone it soo hard

i feel like this is all a sick dream…i don't want him to suffer but i want him back…i want him to come back and say SYKE!!!

this is something i don't talk about but my mom and real father divorced when i was 3 months old…my father had other kids and never wanted anything to do with any of the 5 of my mom's kids except my brother…so he's always been a shitty father and might as well not even exist…so when mom got with george its been wonderful…he was the best father i could have ever asked for…he was only my step father but he meant more to me than my father does or ever will…George was always there for me…and loved me like i was his own…

so the reality of him being gone has been sooooo hard…when i found out i cried so hard…i've never cried like i did when i found out he was gone….

he had COPD and polmonary fibrosis…from smoking and from cleaning with pure bleach when he was a butcher…he used to bug me about smoking…and it took some time to register but i'm going to quit smoking because i know thats what he wanted and i know that it will give me a chance to get a bit healthier and maybe save me from going through the same thing…

he suffered soo much and as much as i miss him and want him here its a relief to know he isn't suffering anymore…i wish there were a magical cure and he would have been better and not left us all…i feel like i'm being selfish but i want him back…i wanted him to give me away when rick and i finally get married…i wanted him to see my children grow up when i have them…dammit i wanted him here for it all…

k i gotta go or i'm going to start crying…i have things to do anyways…we left this house a mess cuz we were in such a hurry…and i need ot make some phone calls…

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