I just woke up from a nap in a terrible mood. 🙁 That really stinks because I've been ina decent mood most of the day.

I have been apathetic though, and I wonder why I'm feeling this way. It's been a very windy but beautiful day after the initial rains this morning, we should have gone outside and played today. Instead we went to the library and picked out a couple of movies and watched those. I also picked up a book called "The Passage" and I hope it will turn out to be something that holds my interest.

Today Zach didn't go to camp, he stayed home with me. We had to go do the preliminary testing for his Asperger's diagnosis. For some reason it makes me so mad that they just HAVE to know exactly where he falls on the autism spectrum. Leave the kid alone, he's pretty much normal! I don't want a label on him like there is on me. In June we do the actual "testing" part, and it will be almost 2 hours long. Guess I better bring something to do. I only put up with it because his therapist wants it done and it may help him in school at some point down the road if he starts having a difficult time. Then we'll have everything documented and ready to go if the need arises.

I worry so much for my son. I worry about the affects the Asperger's may have as he gets older, but mostly I worry about him being bipolar like me, or prone to depression. If there were anything I could do to prevent it I would. I wish they had some kind of gene therapy to prevent it from developing. I would spend everything I had and could get to get it done for him. I don't want to ever see my baby go through this. I hope to God that he'll let it skip this generation.

My husband just told me that he took tomorrow off to spend time with me. Surprisingly my first reaction wasn't being pleased. I was kind of irritated actually. I haven't had a single day to myself this week and was looking forward to having that time tomorrow. Now I won't get it until NEXT Friday. Monday – Thursday I'm watching Heidi again. And while she's a wonderful child and sweet and funny it just wears me out. I don't have the energy to entertain her every day. I think a couple of days we'll spend here at my house instead. I guess we'll do it one day and see how it goes. That will dictate if we do it again.

After watching Heidi I'm going back to work. The thought less than thrills me at this point. I want to isolate so badly right now. I haven't talked to my friend Mindy in almost a week now, neither have I spoken to even other friends except Michelle and that's because I've been watching her daughter. I just don't have the energy to deal with people and that makes me feel like a bad person. I don't really want to talk about how I'm feeling because I don't really KNOW what I'm feeling ~ just that I'm down and want to keep to myself because I have such limited energy.

My dog seems to be the only one to understand that I'm not my regular self right now. She's following me around with an inquisitive look most of the time and sleeps with me when she doesn't normally ~ like when I napped this afternoon. Usually she'll come snuggle with me for a couple of minutes and then get up and go do her own thing. I don't think even my husband or my Mom senses what's happening with me right now because I fight very hard not to let it show. Maybe I shouldn't hide it, but I don't want to be a bother to them. I want to be able to take care of my own problems without having to involve other people unless it's necessary. And at this point in time, I don't feel that it is. I just need some space, right?

All I'd like to do right now is go back to sleep. At least there I get to rest some from my own feelings.

  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    Sorry that the dreamless night turned into a negative  after nap effect. Hope you find your equilibrium soon. Hugs Mary.

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  2. DiscoQueen 8 years ago

    It is such a catch 22 situation isn't it? Depression makes sleeping difficult or impossible and your depression is worse when you are exhausted.  I hope you have gotten some rest and feeling better now.

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