It has been a very long time since my last update and so much has happened in my life since then. What hasn’t happened since my last entry here is me going out fully expressing my true self. My first time experience was a mixed blessing. I did get to experience real hate and that scared me to death. If I hadn’t been saved by a kind stranger who knows what might have happened. And so ironic that the thing that has scared me for years had a different feeling. Going out in public presenting as a woman and having a friend or family see me. But in that moment it was all different. Being frightened wasn’t about being recognized, it was the fear that I couldn’t make it back to the safety of my own home. Sitting at that restaurant table seemed like the only safe place to be because other people were around to witness any type of attack. I was frozen with the thought of walking out to the parking lot by myself where that shitty old man might follow me. He had friends in there so who knows if there might be others with him that also see me as a freak. There was nothing I could do in that moment except worry. My fear of being dressed as a woman in public now had a new meaning. And as much as I want my secret out, that isn’t the way I wanted it to happen. But in that moment I would have loved to see someone I know, just so I could feel safe. So in a very weird way that was a great feeling.

Thankfully there are some really beautiful people in the world too. Dan saved me that day. He also gave me the experience of having another person see me as my true self and feeling their love. To be honest it wasn’t actually love, but in that moment that is how it felt to me. Dan gave me such a great gift by saving me from trouble,
but him showing real interest in me was even more powerful. The moment we were in my car, (with the doors locked), I felt something I have never felt before. No, I wasn’t physically attracted to Dan. That almost never happens with guys. Something else began rumbling around my brain and body. I was alone with a man who seems to have an interest in my as a woman. He was seeing me as a woman. Yes, he knows I am a trans woman and that seemed perfectly OK. And by the compliments he gave me it seemed more than OK. For me that moment seemed to be changing my DNA. The way I crossed my legs when I got into the car was absolutely purposeful. I angled my body so he could see more of my body because I knew he would be looking at me. I honestly didn’t even think about any of that, I just did it. And I did get the reaction I wanted which gave me a real high. All of that happened before he touched me. The feeling I got when I felt his warm hand on my leg was pure joy. That physical act showed me that he felt something for me and there isn’t much in this world that could make me feel more like the girl I want to become.

Later that night Dan began texting me. I quickly replied to each of his messages. Most of the conversation was a replay of what happened at the restaurant and how I felt about coming out into the world as a woman. The texts went on all evening and when it was time, we wished each other a good night. Over the next few days we texted on and off. Later that week in the middle of a conversation about something else he asked what I was wearing. It was totally out of the blue and I wasn’t ready for it. I asked why he wanted to know and he told me that he just wanted to have a picture of me in his head. At first I didn’t want to do it but after his instance I described my outfit in great detail. He sounded very excited and told me that he was sure that I looked very pretty. A few days later when he asked me to describe what I was wearing I was embarrassed because I wasn’t dressed yet. I was only wearing a bra and panties and was just then and going through my closet deciding what to wear. When he asked if he could help me pick out an outfit I became very excited to do that with him. He asked me go through my closet and tell him what was hanging there. So I went through it dress by dress, tops, pants and skirts.I didn’t give too much detail just the basics like, red tank dress, white cotton blouse, etc. When I was done he told me exactly what he wanted me to put on for him. A little black dress. That was very typical and I told him that he wasn’t very creative. He asked me what I would choose if I didn’t want to wear the black dress. Without thinking too much I said my denim mini, blue and black floral tank with an asymmetrical hemline and my platform sandals. Dan told me to put that on and text him when I was dressed. I had an idea where this was going but didn’t want to stop it.

Even though he couldn’t see it, I fixed my hair and put on a little makeup for him. A nice thick eyeliner and mascara and then dusty pink lipstick. When I send the next message I was sure to tell him that I put makeup on especially for him. Dan seemed to be excited and our conversation had the same effect on me. After my description of my outfit Dan kept asking for more details. How short is my skirt, what do my platforms look like, how tall are the heels and how do my legs look in heels. I was excited to describe these things and Dan was definitely excited to hear all about it. After a little while text descriptions weren’t enough for him. Dan wanted to see me. He asked if I wanted to meet him somewhere but I told him that I couldn’t possibly go out in public wearing a skirt and heels. He tried to convince me that it would be OK because he would be there with me. The thought of it all was really very compelling and I wanted to do it so badly but I kept saying that I couldn’t do it. He was insistent but ultimately knew that I wasn’t ready to go out in full dress. He didn’t give up either as he invited me over to his house. He said it would be safe because he would leave his garage door open and I could drive right inside. I really didn’t have to be outdoors at all. It was really something I wanted to do but it definitely scared the hell out of me. Dan really pushed, saying how badly he wants to see me and that I shouldn’t worry because we didn’t have to do anything but talk. I wasn’t even thinking about anything like that but I guess he was and that scared me even more. Yes, I did say that feeling wanted by a man is the greatest degree of acceptance in my mind. And that is a very powerful feeling for me one I couldn’t ignore. He said so much when he told me all we had to do is talk. Without saying a word about it, he was telling me that he was having sexual thoughts about me. It was all too much for me to think like that so I never got the nerve to drive over to his place but the dress up texts and phone calls continued.

Then one day when Dan directed me to dress up in a very sexy outfit, he begged me to let him see me. I was dressed to the nines wearing my black dress, black fishnets and pumps. From my description Dan said that I must look so beautiful but he had to see for himself. When I wouldn’t agree to come to his house again he began asking for pictures. It didn’t take very long for him to convince me to send him a few pictures. I was careful not to show my face in any pictures and that made me feel better about it. I could tell that he was getting excited after seeing me in my dress and his complements made my head swim. He began to talk about my body and it all started to build sexual tension for both of us. He was telling me how badly he wanted to touch me and then more details about where he wanted to touch me. I felt my mind and body falling off the knife edge of reality. Just then I was the pretty girl in a sexy black dress being ogled by a horny young man who had to have me. Dan had figured out what I wanted to feel and he said and did all the right things. He was bringing out emotions in me that I never felt before. For someone who has so much confusion about sexuality, Dan made me feel like I knew exactly what I wanted. I began wanting him as much as he was wanting me. I never wanted a man in this way but in that moment I felt the longings of a young girl falling for the first time. It all felt so dangerous and life-changing and for that reason I knew I had to go see him.

It didn’t happen right away, it took me another week to finally get up the nerve. Dan was planning on having me over for a nice dinner that he was cooking especially for me. He was sweet and so caring for all my concerns about going out of my house all dressed up. Most of our conversations were about just that leading up to our date. It was the main thing on my mind which overshadowed concerns about what might happen after I got to his house. When the day finally came I spent all afternoon getting getting my body and mind ready for our date. So many times over the last week I tried on different outfits and tried to make up my mind about which would Dan like the best. And then even more importantly, what could I actually wear outside my home and still feel comfortable. It turned out that nothing worth wearing would make me feel comfortable in that situation. I never felt comfortable and now it wasn’t any different. So I decided to go all out just like I told Dan I would. I dressed in the little black dress, sheer hose and my black stiletto pumps. My heart was racing the whole time I was getting dressed and didn’t stop for hours. Actually getting into my car and driving away from home was the worst, or so I thought. Getting out of the car in Dan’s garage felt even crazier. It took me a few minutes to calm myself to the point where I could actually get out of the car. Walking in my heels was a wobbly situation even though it was a short distance to the door. Dan opened the door as I was still walking towards it. His face was animated and I saw his eyes scan my body as he said, “Welcome Jamie, gosh you look so beautiful” His words and they way he looked at me sent shock waves of emotion into my body. He took my hand as I went through the door and kissed my cheek. Once inside I began to feel more relaxed. I was still shaking but feeling so much better.

Dan was an absolute gentleman and he made me feel comfortable and safe instantly. Well, at least once the first glass of wine was empty. We had dinner and a few more glasses of wine which really helped me. I didn’t really eat too much even though the food was really good. After dinner we sat on his couch and listened to music while we talked. I don’t remember what we talked about because I was so focused on the way he was looking at me and how that was making me feel. We sat close on the couch and I was actually getting aroused feeling his leg against mine. I wasn’t thinking about it just begging to feel a little excited about being in that situation. All of it was very new to me and I tried not to over-think it. We were still drinking wine and I was feeling a little drunk on top of everything else. Dan was always giving me compliments but suddenly they became more frequent and stronger. The he told me he wanted to kiss me. I said I didn’t think that was a good idea but he did it anyway. And I didn’t stop him. We were making out and he was feeling me up and I didn’t stop any of it. Then after about twenty minutes or so Dan asked if I wanted to go to his bedroom. That stopped me dead in my tracks. Absolutely not, I told him but that didn’t seem to discourage him. He told me that he knows that I want it too so I should just stop pretending to be a good girl. He even said that he knew that the only reason I came over there was to have sex with him. He wasn’t loud or angry or anything but his words were very strong, at least not right away. We talked calmly for a while and he seemed to understand but then he said that I had been teasing him for a long time. He said I must want to do somethings with him because the way I was dressed told him a different story than what I was saying. He actually called me a cock tease and then a slut. He said it wasn’t right to lead him on and that I should do something about it to take care of him. I felt bad and very scared at the same time. I tried making excuses, saying that I did want it but I just wasn’t ready. He said that I must be ready because I came to see him dressed like a slut and what did I expect would happen. He was so convincing that I wondered if he was right. It was true that I went to see him to experience my life as I think it should be. Maybe I need the experience to finally find myself. He is a good guy who is really into me and I don’t want to lose that. I just needed more time or at least thought I did. A few more things happened that I can’t talk about here, but in the end I rejected what he really wanted me to do. I came so close but just couldn’t do anything. He was very mad at me and finally gave up asking. He told me to leave which I did. Between the wine and overflowing emotions I have no idea how I made it home.

Once inside my home, I collapsed and fell to the kitchen floor and just cried. I don’t know how long I was there but it felt like a very long time wondering what I did wrong with my life. My questioning about my behavior that night still linger with me. I had a chance to answer a lot of my questioning but didn’t take it.